The world adores matt hayward

Who would believe that Taxi, the new ‘Japanese Inspired’ restaurant in Melbourne’s nouveau heartland of Fed’ Square would fail to impress?

First of all it’s not all bad. The service at Fed Square is phenomenal. You may have 3 or 4 waiters all night, but their communication is exceptional. Secondly their wine list is definitely up to par. Sure they didn’t have my favourite Chablis, but plenty of unwooded Chardonnays and organic wines. What did suck however was the food.

Second disclaimer for this blasting is, I love raw beef. Whether it’s Japanese Gyuu Tataki or French steak tartare, you know a good restaurant by their willingness to serve something raw. This was a stumbling block for Taxi.

For entree, we had some gyoza dumplings that were superb, and what I was hoping would be even better a wagyu beef teaser. Now bear in mind Wagyu is meant to be beef so tender that it will melt in your m0uth. Fat is so readily through the meat it looks like marble and is so fine it melts instantly in the pan and becomes very lean, easy to chew meat. Suffice it to say, their wagyu was rubbery! It was a bloody travesty. I’ve had better beef in Japanese cafes that didn’t even claim to be Wagyu.

One thing’s for certain, down the road at Movida’s their Wagyu beef was the real McCoy.

My girlfriend had a main of green tea Soba noodles and salmon which was indeed sublime. I had the special du jour of a rabbit leg with shitake mushrooms and a lumpy mash. It was described as very ‘gamey’ in flavour. I think Ladros had them licked. It was nice, but quite literally the mash was too lumpy (was this intentional I don’t know) and i’ve had far better rabbit at L’oustral. For a ‘Japanese inspired’ restaurant and the lay it might be interesting, but there’s far better out there. I expected far more.

In closing I also have one question for the staff. Why do they use such cheap, shitty, flimsy chopsticks? They give you these cheap, weightless, plasticy things that a Japanese would never dare serve food in their own house with.

Taxi gets 3.5 out of 5. Excellent service and staff, but the food’s just not that remarkable.

It’s becoming patently obvious in Fitzroy that offspring are no longer the bi-product of a man and woman, they’re a fashion accessory.

Who gave these parents the right to push us, the non-reproducing masses off of the foot path with these massive prams? Besides do you think you’re really cool when your baby is screaming in the middle of Babka’s after you’ve just pushed everyone out of your path with a pram like the drinks cart on an Economy flight?

If you’ve bought designer Osh Kosh Begosh or Guess clothes for an infant, or if you’ve spent more than $2000 on a pram, you’re not a good parent, you’re an arsehole. Your insecurity about your own fashion is being taken out on your kids. You’re depriving your kids of a childhood free of branding and consumer politics. The last thing your runt little shit needs is a complex because he’s not wearing the latest toddler Nikes.

Although i’ve never had children, I was one once. Here’s some salient fucking facts from my childhood, you yuppie bastards:
- I got carted around in a STANDARD sized pram. It fitted on the bus and train and no one ever had to move off the pavement on my behalf or clear a path in a restaurant or cafe
- If my parents wanted to go somewhere cool, I went to Nanna’s and that was just fine with me. Because I didn’t want to eat tofu burgers and drink chai latte then anyway. Your kids don’t want to go where you want to go. So don’t subject them to your frivolous search for coffee shop meaning and precious, scintilating conversation
- I didn’t know what Nike runners were until the 6th grade and it therefore never worried me
- Designer labels didn’t have childrens’ wear AND WE DID JUST FINE WITHOUT IT. Unless you could get it from Target, my parent’s weren’t gonna waste money on the shit, and god bless them for it. It was only gonna be unwearable in two months anyway.
- My everyday clothes were from K-Mart and my ‘going out’ clothes were from Target
- I liked dirt and mucking about on bikes and billy carts, not iPods and bright, shiny objects. Only mysterious and dirty ones.

In the 80’s, you were lucky if you had 5-10 years before you were forced to worship, hands and knees at the temple of bright, shining objects. Sure, we had Ataris, Amigas, Nintendos and crap, but there seems no hope for the kids of the day. Back then your parents bitched and moaned about getting you stuff. Now mummy doesn’t want to been dead without a baby in trendy clothes, an iPod and a climate controlled SUV pram.

So Fitzroy parents of today, die. You sicken me.

If you read the Epicurean section of The Age in Melbourne or pretend to have a clue, no doubt you would’ve seen all the trendy pizza restaurants emerging lately. They’re in urban heartlands, they do toppings and combinations you haven’t dreampt of before and are all representative of the new coming of pizza.

They’re doing their best to form a high expectation and make life difficult for you. You either can’t book to get in (eg I Carusi), have to book weeks in advance or have to be squeezed in some corner where the bar staff pity you. But is it all good? Well over the past few months I can tell you my favourite pizza joint hasn’t changed and there is a clear loser.

Mr Wolf is the most overhyped, straight out of Sydney, contrived pizza experience i’ve ever been subjected to. It’s uber metro and plush, but overly noisy and the staff rush you. I lost count how many times my water was topped up or table unnecessarily cleared; not what you’d call and intimate experience. Although to some people’s liking, these pizzas are oily! I’m assured it’s ‘good oil’ but not a good experience. You feel like you’ve done shift work by the time you pay the cheque.

Ladro’s, in the heart of Collingwood, however does live up to expectation. You may be waiting literally hours without a booking though, but you will be rewarded. Their mains (such as a goat stew) are to die for. While the pizzas certainly aren’t below par, the special of the day will no doubt be special far longer in the minds of the lucky consumer. A lot brighter and more cosmo than metro inside. Feels a lot more Melbourne than Sydney (don’t you wish you could bottle it?!). Make sure you book well in advance and don’t eat all day.

I Carusi in Carlton is more subtle and intimate. The menu is very no fuss and inexpensive. A great place for a romantic night out with unpretentious toppings and great pizzas. There’s even a chilli and brocolli pizza which i’m assured is excellent. You can’t book, but for the relatively inexpensive yet opulent experience, it’s unsurpassed.

I Carusi 2 in St Kilda is a more lively, less intimate version. Again I don’t think you can book and it’s basically the same far in a more street cafe environment. It’s a slightly lively, more pizzeria feel than a swanky restaurant unlike it’s Carlton protege. So whatever you prefer, or whoever you’re taking. You decide!

Finally there’s the old favourite, L’Osteria on Nicholson St. Which has been the gourmet pizza place of choice since I believe 1989. More an Italian restaurant than a up and coming trendy restaurant, it’s well priced, old Italian style and homely. Their gourmet pizza with beef sausage, parmesan and rocket is the favourite (the menu’s in Italian and im not!)

Not where you’d go for the trendiest chefs and most speculated wanky pizza topping but well on par with the newcomers and never booked out two weeks in advance. Their pizzas and mains are never bad and will leave an impression that will last far longer than the avant garde bathroom in Ladros.

So what’s the favourite, the brisket, anchovie, artichoke, sundried tomatoes and olive pizza I made at home last night. Go to them all, learn, try, do your own thing. But if you can’t be bothered cooking, there’s always a table at L’Osteria and you’ll never wish you stayed at home.

My god how mundane the motorshow was this year! By and large every manufacturer felt a bit like they were offering reheated leftovers from last year. All the concepts of the past 5 years were here in the flesh as ready-to-order hotties. As one particular driver said “It wasn’t a motorshow, it was more like the Woolie’s [shopping centre] car park”.

One highlight was the absolute dregs of humanity, with barely a unique chromosome (or tooth) between them, gawking at the Maybach. You would not believe how much admiration for a fully reclining rear seat. It was almost as if the Maybach was only there as an idiot deterrent to the BMW stand. And by god was it effective.

Was lucky to have a sit in a Peugeot 206 GTI 180 and man what a snug fitting glove. It was good to get the chance to experience the French mark in the flesh. The 180 is the epitome of the drivers’ car rocket ship that you so rarely get these days. Nothing remarkable you couldn’t find at your dealer but meh.

Of all the prestige cars on display, it’s remarkable that even the biturbo V12 AMG CLK roadster and the Jaguar XJ have plastic door handles!? You’d think for $200K + you’d get chrome!

All that glittered that actually impressed me was the Range Rover stand. Their rides REALLY looked impressive with supercharged sports versions this year on big 19″ rims. Good to see the Brits getting with the times.

There was some interesting local product though. Some Perth company that make superchargers had an awesome Magna AWD package for around $50K. It looked like the ultimate sleeper.

Two concept cars that at least filled the bright, shiny object void were the Ford GT and the Honda pseudo NSX called the Honda Sports Concept (HSC). The big Ford really was a player and looked equally impressive on the rotisserie as it does on paper. ANd we can only hope and pray the Honda makes it into production, as it really stepped up to the plate in taking the more sedate NSX into exotic supercar territory. Not that the NSX looked bad but the doors on this thing and the cut of its jib have to be seen to be believed.

Toyota were so desperate, they send out monkami people movers from Japan, showing the latest concepts in invalid care. Surely there’s a more appropriate trade show for this . . .

Naturally there were Ferarri’s and Fords but sadly not a lot else worth mentioning. To make it really obvious this show was for the kids and not the ‘big boys’ was even the Victoria Police had a stand. It’s great to know that the speed camera money is going into even faster cars for the cops, and not something useful, like you know, hospitals or health care. You know useful stuff.

Sorry guys, this years show was a fizzer. If I wanna see invalid vans and human gene pool dregs, i’ll go to a chemist in Cranbourne. Thank god I didn’t have to pay to get in.

Reading the Australian Labor party RSS feed on my Blog today and got this press release.

This disturbs me:
“Today’s report follows revelations that the Howard Government continues to reward rich families with obligation-free welfare, with nearly 30,000 families on annual incomes of over $100,000 being paid family benefits in 2002-03.”

So why does such a bourgeous bracket need such protection. According to the report, families actually on pensions or the dole can loose 60-100% of their benefits if they actually start working a job. Even if the job assumably pays less than their benefits. So how can the needs of the wealthy overshadow the needs of someone who wants to work, but can’t afford to get off the pension? Or even worse, having their only source of income taken away from them.

Totally agree with this; ‘If the Government is serious about welfare reform, then it should start by fixing the glaring inequities and inconsistencies identified in the Welfare Rights report, rather than trying to cut costs by making it harder for those in need to access payments.’

I’m not a staunch Laborite. I do however believe in the socialist idelogy of an equal share of poverty rather than an inequal share of wealth. So what good is it giving tax concessions to the rich and the poor more incentive to rob their houses to eat? Way to run a fucking country Howard. I hope it’s your Sydney manor that gets robbed.

Melbourne’s a hypervole of activity at the moment. In the alley normally only known for the eerie RAOBGAB ‘City Temple’, there’s a movie set going for the new Nicolas Cage movie ‘Ghost Rider’. They’ve taken what two weeks ago was a car park and turned it into a Yankee car lot, full of Mustangs and Chevy vans. Wasn’t Shitney always the honey pot that sucked the seppos in, keeping them out of the cooler places?

Down the street there’s the new GPO building, full of $300 metrosexual T shirt shops and a Ben Sherman boutique. And there are now 3 Starbucks I know of in the CBD. Did someone forget to inform them that Melbourne was already a coffee city and we don’t need shitty corporate maccinations unlike ‘Shitney’?

It used to be that Shitneysiders used to come to Melbourne for the shopping. Our ‘excess is everything’ uber yuppie set was restricted to Toorak and it wasn’t hard to find cool, hip stuff without traipsing through endless chain stores. After a recent sojourn to Shitney for the weekend, it’s starting to feel like a little bit of Melbourne is becoming a lot like Shitney. Especially the GPO building is starting to look a lot like a Sydney CBD block.

For those of you who don’t know, Sydney has a 48 hour patronage period. That basically means that after two days, the whole place licks balls and you’re rushing for the airport home. No alcohol could numb you to the amount of wankers and charlatins that will cross your path in the festering shithole. All the wretched chintz and glamour of their prissy little harbour can go and get fucked. Why? Because they serve disgraceful beer, have no cool bars (where people actually drink and not pop pills) and the streets and roads are crowded as. But the worst thing is that coffee and culture wise, the whole city is severely out to lunch. It’s simply Starbucks culture at its finest that you can find anywhere in the world.

Has the world become smaller or are we just loosing our identity? Definitely the latter. Shitney seems to be channeling all the best blandness of the USA into Melbourne. So please, for the love of god people, drink proper coffee from a proper bloody cafe, stop drinking Tooheys and start wearing cool stuff from local stores. Get rid of this globalised, corporate fashion shit. We are Melbourne! We were once better and as sure as VB is wretched cats’ piss, we will remain the coolest. Vive la interstate rivalry.

Please Sydney, die. You’re wrecking my town.

Cheap eats and vegetarian may conjure up images of hippie Nimbin types, spliffs and John Butler music, but has the FGY Gallery got a surprise for you.

The part Buddhist restaurant, part porcelain museum is peaceful, opulent and very, very tasty. Don’t cringe at the veg either, because virtually every dish has vegie meat substitute which has the exact texture and taste of what you’re meant to be eating. Just don’t choke on the paddle pop stick holding the faux chicken drumstick together.

Like most Chinese restaurants, the bilingual menu has all the staple take away fare and attracts an incredibly broad spectrum of clientelle. You have four daily lunchbox specials for under $10 and some of the best teas you’ll ever get your hands on. Their Kumquat tea is highly recommended. Culturephobes can have their good old lemon chicken as well. Oh and they have private dining rooms for groups with the Lazy Susan on the table.

So even if you’re scraping up the pennies for a typical pasta carbonara, walk the extra block and get a proper meal (quickly) and feel all the better for it. After all, they serve not just food but tranquility and enlightenment. A permanent favourite.

4.5 stars out of 5.

N.B. The restaurant is not open on weekends but for lunch Monday - Friday.