Melbourne’s a hypervole of activity at the moment. In the alley normally only known for the eerie RAOBGAB ‘City Temple’, there’s a movie set going for the new Nicolas Cage movie ‘Ghost Rider’. They’ve taken what two weeks ago was a car park and turned it into a Yankee car lot, full of Mustangs and Chevy vans. Wasn’t Shitney always the honey pot that sucked the seppos in, keeping them out of the cooler places?

Down the street there’s the new GPO building, full of $300 metrosexual T shirt shops and a Ben Sherman boutique. And there are now 3 Starbucks I know of in the CBD. Did someone forget to inform them that Melbourne was already a coffee city and we don’t need shitty corporate maccinations unlike ‘Shitney’?

It used to be that Shitneysiders used to come to Melbourne for the shopping. Our ‘excess is everything’ uber yuppie set was restricted to Toorak and it wasn’t hard to find cool, hip stuff without traipsing through endless chain stores. After a recent sojourn to Shitney for the weekend, it’s starting to feel like a little bit of Melbourne is becoming a lot like Shitney. Especially the GPO building is starting to look a lot like a Sydney CBD block.

For those of you who don’t know, Sydney has a 48 hour patronage period. That basically means that after two days, the whole place licks balls and you’re rushing for the airport home. No alcohol could numb you to the amount of wankers and charlatins that will cross your path in the festering shithole. All the wretched chintz and glamour of their prissy little harbour can go and get fucked. Why? Because they serve disgraceful beer, have no cool bars (where people actually drink and not pop pills) and the streets and roads are crowded as. But the worst thing is that coffee and culture wise, the whole city is severely out to lunch. It’s simply Starbucks culture at its finest that you can find anywhere in the world.

Has the world become smaller or are we just loosing our identity? Definitely the latter. Shitney seems to be channeling all the best blandness of the USA into Melbourne. So please, for the love of god people, drink proper coffee from a proper bloody cafe, stop drinking Tooheys and start wearing cool stuff from local stores. Get rid of this globalised, corporate fashion shit. We are Melbourne! We were once better and as sure as VB is wretched cats’ piss, we will remain the coolest. Vive la interstate rivalry.

Please Sydney, die. You’re wrecking my town.