It’s becoming patently obvious in Fitzroy that offspring are no longer the bi-product of a man and woman, they’re a fashion accessory.

Who gave these parents the right to push us, the non-reproducing masses off of the foot path with these massive prams? Besides do you think you’re really cool when your baby is screaming in the middle of Babka’s after you’ve just pushed everyone out of your path with a pram like the drinks cart on an Economy flight?

If you’ve bought designer Osh Kosh Begosh or Guess clothes for an infant, or if you’ve spent more than $2000 on a pram, you’re not a good parent, you’re an arsehole. Your insecurity about your own fashion is being taken out on your kids. You’re depriving your kids of a childhood free of branding and consumer politics. The last thing your runt little shit needs is a complex because he’s not wearing the latest toddler Nikes.

Although i’ve never had children, I was one once. Here’s some salient fucking facts from my childhood, you yuppie bastards:
- I got carted around in a STANDARD sized pram. It fitted on the bus and train and no one ever had to move off the pavement on my behalf or clear a path in a restaurant or cafe
- If my parents wanted to go somewhere cool, I went to Nanna’s and that was just fine with me. Because I didn’t want to eat tofu burgers and drink chai latte then anyway. Your kids don’t want to go where you want to go. So don’t subject them to your frivolous search for coffee shop meaning and precious, scintilating conversation
- I didn’t know what Nike runners were until the 6th grade and it therefore never worried me
- Designer labels didn’t have childrens’ wear AND WE DID JUST FINE WITHOUT IT. Unless you could get it from Target, my parent’s weren’t gonna waste money on the shit, and god bless them for it. It was only gonna be unwearable in two months anyway.
- My everyday clothes were from K-Mart and my ‘going out’ clothes were from Target
- I liked dirt and mucking about on bikes and billy carts, not iPods and bright, shiny objects. Only mysterious and dirty ones.

In the 80’s, you were lucky if you had 5-10 years before you were forced to worship, hands and knees at the temple of bright, shining objects. Sure, we had Ataris, Amigas, Nintendos and crap, but there seems no hope for the kids of the day. Back then your parents bitched and moaned about getting you stuff. Now mummy doesn’t want to been dead without a baby in trendy clothes, an iPod and a climate controlled SUV pram.

So Fitzroy parents of today, die. You sicken me.