The world adores matt hayward

The other day, we’re having drinks at some Russian pancake festival thing at Federation Square in Melbourne’s CBD. It’s a hot day so by the time I got there, the table was onto it’s third bottle of semillon sav blanc (and yes it’s pronounced sem-i-yon). So the bottle has the now cursory twist top. Before too long someone’s complaining that twisties are the ruination of everything and ruining the noble art of wine.

Well I’ve set myself the challenge of showing a few simple facts to show you that twist tops are far from the ruination of that noble beast wine.

About the humble cork
First of all Aussie corks suck. Talk to any decent wine retailer and they will tell you that it takes at least 70 years to grow a decent crop of cork. So if you’ve ever seen those nerds that recycle cork and wondered the hell why, yes cork is that finite a resource.

Secondly two countries, well one and the bordering country, pretty much have a monopoly on cork. Portugal and Spain in that order. Now my mates laughed when I told them that. But if you’ve ever tried a temparillo (yes that’s temp-ran-i-yo), these guys do know a thing or two about shit hot wine. Just because they don’t make a new work shiraz or cab merlot etc. They’ve been at it for centuries and you’ve guessed it, they keep all the good corks to themselves. So much so that if you were to get a good Portuguese bottle of wine, the first thing you’d notice is the quality of the cork.

Frankly, the quality of Australian and Kiwi corks isn’t all that. And you can’t make a cork out of Redgum.

The shrinkage factor
If you’re ever fortunate enough to get off chops on a nice old bottle, at least 20 years old, check out how long the cork is. Mate, they’re a little on the small side these days. Corks must be about 30%-40% smaller. Not quite sure on the reason, but I guess because in Australia in the 1970s, you could drink your body weight in beer but if you had one Chardonnay, you were as good as poofter. In other words, there was no mainstream appreciation of wine. So to an extent, wine back then was bottled to stand the test of time.

Here for a good time, not a long time
Now it’s socially kosher to quaff, people enjoy beer and the vine. So most wine is consumed bloody quickly.  So why waste perfectly good cork on a bottle that’s going to get drunk as soon as the barby is lit? I guess back in the day, there was no macro-economics or corporations involved in wine making back in the day either. Just bloody good product.  So quality, not badge engineering was order of the day. Thus the corks get smaller as wine is made for the same bloke who used to be a beer swilling yobbo.

Don’t taint that cork dude
Without pulling out any articles from the CSIRO, wine botched from dodgy corks is usually around 7%. Cork taint is when the cork doesn’t form a tight enough seal in the bottle to keep oxygen out of the bottle. See oxygen is good. It’s why the wine tastes better ten minutes after you poured it, but the same reason it tastes bland in an hour.

The perfect cork lets in about as much air as a tight fish’s arse lets out. In other words they breathe naturally, but not enough to let your wine turn to vinegar. When using screw tops, wine barely breathes at all and tainted wine (or vinegar) ends up being well less than 2%. Pretty convincing reason for the twist top.

Some wine doesn’t benefit from corkage
Aye bro, ever drunk a Kiwi sauv blanc? Our New Zealand friends make a wicked white. But you know what? Most NZ wines are only good for 2-5 years. And you know what too? That matches the twist top perfectly! Because twist tops let in hardly any oxygen to the bottle. Which long term is bad, but short term, it’s bloody good. So nowadays you struggle to find a Kiwi white or Pinot with a cork. Because it reduces their costs, keeps the wine better. So it’s only the purists that get upset. But anyone that cellars a sauv blanc for 20 years is an idiot anyway.

Same with a lot of $10-20 Aussie reds. A good example are those Penfold’s Rawson’s Retreat (which are frankly shitful anyway). They are consumed usually the same day (we’re a country of piss heads let face it) and they have no longevity beyond 5 years anyway. So shit cork or good steel seal? You be the judge.

Cork or Zork?
There are alternatives. D’arenberg use the Zork. It’s some wretched, patented invention from some Aussies that gets both the benefits of a cork and a twist top. It’s a plastic cork you can put back in the bottle with metal lining inside to prevent oxidisation. So once you’ve opened it, you can put the Zork back in pretty easily. But frankly, they’re a bit tacky.

The RRR food and wine show ‘Eat It’ reckon that some dude in the Yarra Valley is working on a glass O-Ring kind of seal also but I am yet to see it. So who needs gimmicks? Cork or twist you can’t go wrong.

Some wine deserves a cork. But not all wines are equal
It needs to be said. Most of the stuff we drink is admirable, but doesn’t get a purple heart of valour. Now all the people who have spent more than $60 for ONE bottle of wine from a vineyard stand up now. That’s right. About 10% of you. So you can all get stuffed. The only wine that needs a cork has:

• a good cellar life potential of at least 7 years that you intend to lay down
• a solid tannic, low yield, full bodied, estate grown and bottled wine. If you have to ask what i’m talking about, you probably don’t really know or generally care
• Grange and Henschke Hill of Grace will always have corks. Because they’re high quality, low yield and they deserve a high price and the best cork the respective wineries can obtain. The rest can go get stuffed

So, in conclusion..
Anyways, there the hard and fast factettes. They’re not statistically proven, but chat to any wine lover worth a pinch of salt and they’ll agree with a bloody big chunk of it. But I wish people would get over this romantic attitude to corks. It all just depends on whether you want wine for a good time or a long time. When cork is good, it’s bloody great. When it’s not it’s Tiny Tim playing the Beatles on a Ukelele. And as much as I hate the Beatles, Tiny Tim is bloody horrible. Think about that next time you’re at the bottle shop.

I welcome your comments!