The world adores matt hayward

So the cat’s well and truly out of the bag now. The VE range has formally been launched. I’ve been a bit confused as I thought it was launched 6-8 weeks ago, but Holden had so many VE test mules going around Chapel St, it’s hard to tell. Far from being a sweet little puppy, this thing looks like some mongrel mutt.

Thanks Holden for making me say something I NEVER thought i’d say this. I prefer the new Camry over the VE. Its hot rod styled front grille at least has character. For that matter, the Mitsubishi 380 is a more cohesive looking unit. And the Ford Falcon, for might be the oldest sheet metal on the market, is still the most aesthetically sound. It knows it’s a big, boofy old manny car and doesn’t try overly hard. Frankly, that’s important. Do you want to see your old man in slacks and a shirt, or trying to dress like some crappy, stupid EMO band like AFI. No thanks!

It gets worse. Last weekend in Caufield, I saw this mess of chintzy plastic chrome and jagged edges. It was a Saudi spec Chevrolet Caprice Royale (based on our Statesman/Caprice models), left hand drive test mule. From the front this car looks truly atrocious. Just like walking into a $10 hairdresser with a picture of the perfect haircut, the bloke says ‘no probs’, but yes sir, you walk out with a $10 haircut. Yup, Holden might have walked in with a picture of a 5 series beamer, but they’ve walked out with the bastard son of a Cadillac that slipped into bed with a Magna.

In fairness, the Royale looked all right from some angles, but it can only keep it’s bad features in the shade for so long. Could an interior make up for an otherwise iffy exterior. Pfft, naaaah. Check out the hand brake. A true balls up of design. It’s two inches thick and looks like an egaggerated 1980s joystick from Commodore 64 days.

On Berlina spec VEs, you get the most unfortunate strip of fake wood right across the dash board. It sort of looks like snake skin shoes, in plastic. I also sat in a Calais spec car that felt like the seat fabric was made of recycled plastic bottles. In other words, bloody terrible. The SS-V spec car was the only interior that felt like a superior place to be. One worthy of any kind of hype. But with that tacky hero colour and those flared guards on a boxy body, meh, couldn’t care less. It looks bloody terrible.

I hope this thing drives ten times better than it looks. Because being Australian, it sure as hell wont be built well and this thing in the words of Jeremy Clarkson ‘looks like it was designed by someone, that only had a ruler’. One thing’s for certain is that I think the engineers have gone German and the designers have been sucking up too much to the Cadillac cousins. And the result is that daggy cousin that’s always at the back of the wedding photos. Poor old Holden VE. The school of hard knocks is going to be tough on you.

For thousands upon millions of luddites, everything in the house is positioned around TV screens.  Everything connects to it, but it really connects to nothing. You can watch anything you like, so long as what you want’s on. And it has all the latest broadcast technology, so long as your local networks offer it. Yet all the little luddites gather around it every night to bask in its cathode glow like Smurfs to a giant fucking blue mushroom every time something with Matt Le Blanc comes on. They know there’s a better way, but they’re hooked on the junk. 5 channels are the white rocks and the TV the spoon and syringe.

So um, I might be one of few, but my TV was born in 1984 and hasn’t been used since about Febuary. And that was only because the computer blew up. It’s fake wood laminate cabinet sits in the corner gathering dust, pretty much just taking up valuable space. I just can’t get over how futile it really is. No matter what bright, shiny new objects they pack in at Harvey Norman, I still don’t see the point. Two years ago, I bought a reasonably big telly and gave it to my parents because I just, meh, have better use for the space. And for that matter, the effect it has on you.

It wouldn’t matter if the TV was new either. It’s not an issue of technology or convergence. I couldn’t give a shit if my TV was brand spankers or leant how to butter toast, or do the dishes whilst I was watching Friends.

Now one for the luddites, there is this setup where, you can get whatever you want, whenever you want (so long as you’re patient), and there’s no ads! Shows never finish mid season, the video tape never runs out, and you NEVER have to set the shitty little clock on the front of it when the power goes out. IT’S CALLED THE I - N - T - E - R - N - E - T.

Especially living in confined inner city spaces, space for a TV and a ‘puter is at a premium. So why not have a computer that does both? Wallah! So here’s few quick facts!

1. A computer can work 24 hours a day for you. Unlike your TV, you can download stuff even when you’re not there.
2. You can have a big arse screen, or two or more, for your computer so you can work on one whilst watching programs on the other screen.
3. You can store hundreds of TV programs on your computer without ever reaching for a DVD or video tape. Save them for on your friggin hard drive. When you fill it up, get a bigger one! They’re about 50 cents a meg!
4. While I don’t like TV convergence, I do like PC convergence. There’s hundreds of lounge room friendly cases out there, many with remote controls like a normal telly. My PC has two remotes.
5. The stuff you download is as good or bad quality as you want. You don’t always need Dobly 5.1 sound. Or if you do . . . Choice is good.
6. Most stuff you get, legitimately or not, is ad free. You will be amazed how contrived and condescending ads are if you don’t watch TV in a while.
7. When an interweb link comes up on the screen, you’re already on the computer. Look it up homey!
8. TV was initially about educating the masses, not overwhelming them with crap about Bennifer so they never ask questions about their reality. It’s amazing how many questions about your reality can be answered when you control your viewing destiny.
9. The computer plays DVDs, receives HDTV and plays all manner of podcasts. Yes there still are times when there is good stuff on. . .
10. With technology like www.youtube.com, viewing practices are changing by the minute. Don’t wait till Naomi Robson gets something on her autocue about it, see it as it happens.

Luddites will happily accept something they’re familiar with. After all, a device that constantly asks you to learn new tricks hardly fills a luddites’ heart with glee. But seeing a whole season of your favourite show (or seeing at all) does. It just saddens me every time they get their fresh, over priced, shrink wrapped DVD they’ve been waiting months for when you’ve seen it six friggin’ months ago! One day every land fill on earth will be full of unloved DVDs. Pretty wasteful if you ask me.

Dang it, give up your Rove, your crappy Bert Newtons, your John Tesh friggin’ medleys of Cadbury’s sponsored supercrap and actually download something riveting. It’s the non-luddite equivalent of reading a book. Because, you know, there’s selectively and objectivity involved in the viewing. I sure hope some people out there give it a try some time, and one day, we can live in a world without Naomi Robson.

Honestly, this movie doesn’t dissapoint on one single level. For some, it’s laugh out loud, tears in your eyes funny and for others, constantly mildly hilarious. But the laughs don’t stop coming. Yes toilet humours a constant, but it’s more like that Billy Connolly humour where you could swear in front of the Queen mum and it’s still somehow not taboo.

For the Melbournites out there, you’ll instantly recognise locations such as Flemington, a Chapel St fish and chip shop and the St Kilda Festival. It’s nice when a local production doesn’t try and hide its obvious Australian setting.

The bloke who plays Kenny is absolutely spot on. He’s easily as convincing and hilarious as Christoper Guest, pioneer of the mockumentary, in his character acting. In spite of all the personal obstacles and people in his way (such as his ex wife and anally retentive father), Kenny’s character triumphs. His potrayal never leaves you with questions of continuity or who the hell this character really is. Nor do you know what Kenny is going to do or say next.

Plot wise, Kenny’s life is fairly cyclic. His life is pretty straight forward until summer, ‘when every bastard starts having a festival’ and his life turns routinely chaotic. Just when he thinks he’s on top of the usual adversities, his boss asks him to attend a ‘plumbers’ trade convention in Nashville Tennessee. Suddenly Kenny is forced to step out of his blue collar comfort zone into a business card carrying world of schmoozing and networking. This is where the story goes a bit ‘fish out of water’ and it’s hard to tell how much of what’s going on is improvised or scripted!

On his American journey, Kenny both fumbles and triumphs and does well for a bloke who’s never been on a plane or drank Chardonnay before.

Kenny is the antethesis of TV dramas like ER and Gray’s Anatomy, which provide idyllic potrayals of important people that make a difference in a glam setting. Here we have Kenny who’s such a well balanced and likable individual, he could easily transcend his humble role in life. But he’s both validated and self assured by his job and doesn’t need other people’s accolades to tell him who he is.

I only hope this will become a bit of a cult classic, even if it’s a one-off. It’s worthy of international acclaim and deserves to do well. On the mantle piece of Aussie classic comedies, there’s Barry McKenzie, Bad Boy Bubby, The Castle and now Kenny. 5 out of 5.

View the trailer at  http://www.kennythemovie.com/

Have you received this email?

Dear All.

Please pass on to all your friends and relatives the following mail
from Sony Erricsson.

Sony Erricsson is giving away phones for free. Sony Erricsson is trying
word-of-mouth advertising to
introduce its product and the reward you receive for advertising for
them is a free phone free of
cost. To receive your free phone all you have to do is to send this
email out to 8 people (for a
free Sony Erricsson j200i) or 20 people (for a free Sony Erricsson
k400i WAP).

Within 2 weeks you will receive a free phone. (They will contact you
through your e-mail address).

Please mark a copy to:- anna.swelam@sonyerricsson.com

I got this from an ex in Malaysia. Looks dodgey. Let me know if you guys get it. If it’s fake, I wanna get an explanation! Wonder if they have the ACCC in Malaysia?!

Got a great surprise when I woke up today. Was driving to my GF’s place when they said on RRR radio that the new Tim and Tex album is out today. Bloody corker!

So Borders had it for $24.95. Gave it a very quick listen and man is it catchy. There’s none or very little of the melancholy strums of Ghost Songs, or the hip flask swilling sleaze of Dirty Ron, but a hell of a lot of tongue in cheek outright cheekiness. Will require several more listens to give a more thorough review, but so far the only track I don’t get is ‘Fire Escape’.  Frankly I think this easily tops that double album.

Everything else is fresh, and almost reaks of Willy Nelson and Johnny Cash (or Julio Iglesius(?)) duets of old. There is an aural texture to this album that seems instantly legendary. The superlatives keep coming. But you can hear whisky being poured between tracks it revels so well. Even Richard Kingsmill, radio JJJ music nerd, at first thought it was a throw away album and admitted Rogers had come out with some belters. He’s right.

Some of it also reaks of ‘What Rhymes with Cars and Girls’ which is a bloody good thing. Timmy has several solo tracks where this becomes apparent. One track had strong violin tinged bits which sound like the mellotrons used on ‘Hi Fi Way’. Tex has at least one. I hope the boys have another album in them. Because so far, this is a fantastic album. Rogers seems to be in a bit of a happier place with these tunes, but there’s some bitterness there. But it’s mostly good time, drinkin’ tunes. God bless ‘em. Some are for you and your lady will appreciate, but they work on all levels.

Of particular coolness are the last two tracks: Come on and Love Me (a very old Kiss song off the album Dressed to Kill) and Rod Stewart’s Tonight’s the Night. These are absolutely brilliantly cheeky but awesome acoustic renditions!

So bugger it. Tomorrow should be a sunny day. So buy this album, get some snags and a slab of Coopers Sparkling, fire up the barby and crank these tunes with some mates. That is the best possible way you can pay tribute to this album and these fine lads. Tim Rogers for president of everything.

A tad pretentious, but somehow vital is the new SOS. A bit on the painful side of avant garde, this restaurant is brand spankers new. Despite being above a common as muck food court in Melbourne Central (cnr of Spencer St and La Trobe Sts), it’s so fancy, you’re lucky if you can find the door - literally. Thank god the food is good.

We were walking through the thoroughfare trying to find the door, when people started walking out! And there was the door, camoflagued into the wall. A little bit ‘Get Smart’ without talking about the bizarro toilets. It’s beyond pretentious, it really is.

Soon enough, it becomes apparent that this is the sister restaurant of Taxi. So not only have they taken all their ‘learnings’ from Taxi, but all the staff too. We joked that the staff must’ve been working double shifts between the restaurants. A bit of success has spawned a risky little eco friendly offering.

Then there’s the staff, who are expressionless poster children for the Prozac generation. If they smiled it would’ve killed them.

Finally the food. Absolutely fantastic. The wank factor is there in abundance, although when food’s this good, it’s forgivable. For an entree, we have Northern Territory mud crab with spagetti and a pestoey thing of wild thistle. Sounds atrocious, but bloody hell it was good. Narcotic good. Everything is vegetarian or seafood with Italian influences. My main was a Gnocci based dish that was fairly tasty, although incomporable to the entree. French goat’s cheese for desert as well. The perfect end.

The wine list looks virtually identical (to what I can remember) of Taxi’s. Not bad.

This restaurant could very well nearly be a 5 out of 5, if it wasn’t so wanky. This restaurant is a bio diesel Saab convertible with a Greenpeace sticker. Hippy meets yuppie in a trainwreck of khakis, eco sustainable fish and Country Road suits. It’s only barely pallatable. But like any good bottle of wine, it needs time to breathe, so you and it can adjust to each other. Then it comes good.

Fantastic food and it can only get better.