So the cat’s well and truly out of the bag now. The VE range has formally been launched. I’ve been a bit confused as I thought it was launched 6-8 weeks ago, but Holden had so many VE test mules going around Chapel St, it’s hard to tell. Far from being a sweet little puppy, this thing looks like some mongrel mutt.

Thanks Holden for making me say something I NEVER thought i’d say this. I prefer the new Camry over the VE. Its hot rod styled front grille at least has character. For that matter, the Mitsubishi 380 is a more cohesive looking unit. And the Ford Falcon, for might be the oldest sheet metal on the market, is still the most aesthetically sound. It knows it’s a big, boofy old manny car and doesn’t try overly hard. Frankly, that’s important. Do you want to see your old man in slacks and a shirt, or trying to dress like some crappy, stupid EMO band like AFI. No thanks!

It gets worse. Last weekend in Caufield, I saw this mess of chintzy plastic chrome and jagged edges. It was a Saudi spec Chevrolet Caprice Royale (based on our Statesman/Caprice models), left hand drive test mule. From the front this car looks truly atrocious. Just like walking into a $10 hairdresser with a picture of the perfect haircut, the bloke says ‘no probs’, but yes sir, you walk out with a $10 haircut. Yup, Holden might have walked in with a picture of a 5 series beamer, but they’ve walked out with the bastard son of a Cadillac that slipped into bed with a Magna.

In fairness, the Royale looked all right from some angles, but it can only keep it’s bad features in the shade for so long. Could an interior make up for an otherwise iffy exterior. Pfft, naaaah. Check out the hand brake. A true balls up of design. It’s two inches thick and looks like an egaggerated 1980s joystick from Commodore 64 days.

On Berlina spec VEs, you get the most unfortunate strip of fake wood right across the dash board. It sort of looks like snake skin shoes, in plastic. I also sat in a Calais spec car that felt like the seat fabric was made of recycled plastic bottles. In other words, bloody terrible. The SS-V spec car was the only interior that felt like a superior place to be. One worthy of any kind of hype. But with that tacky hero colour and those flared guards on a boxy body, meh, couldn’t care less. It looks bloody terrible.

I hope this thing drives ten times better than it looks. Because being Australian, it sure as hell wont be built well and this thing in the words of Jeremy Clarkson ‘looks like it was designed by someone, that only had a ruler’. One thing’s for certain is that I think the engineers have gone German and the designers have been sucking up too much to the Cadillac cousins. And the result is that daggy cousin that’s always at the back of the wedding photos. Poor old Holden VE. The school of hard knocks is going to be tough on you.