The world adores matt hayward

Yes i’m aware of the tautology in the title. But are you aware how many small (well quite large small) cars look the same these days. I was looking at this story on autoblog today about a sporty Kia. Then I thought cool! Just like the V8 Hyundai, the Koreans are finally going for the heart with their wares, and not just the wallet. Well that is all good except for the fact, they should do it with a clean slate. Because this car looks cool, like a VW Golf, and the new Subaru Impreza, and the BMW 1 series, and the Mazda 3 …

Hell there’s nothing wrong with being derivative. Or for that matter doing something out of spite. But ALL small cars are starting to have the same silhouette. When the first Golf came out, it bore a resemblance to the Peugeot 307 (so did the Corolla).

This can only mean one thing. Small cars are going bloody gang busters all over the world and no one can shift enough product. So smaller players are trying to get their hustle on and bring out products quick smart to get some of that sweet, sweet market share. Mmmmm. Why waste R&D dollars when there’s such a good recipe already out there?

It’s bloody dissapointing, not only that when Kia put their best foot forward (finally) it looks like a 3 way between a Lexus, VW Golf and a Mazda 3. What really sucks is that the Subaru Impreza just looks like everyone else now. Except for its flat four boxer engine, it may as well be this Kia (pictured right).

That’s right Japan’s most individual brand, the Saab of the orient, has finally got a blue pinstripe suit and an office gig. Toyota has come in and now the bright spark is making coffee for the corporate types at Toyota. So I guess the other culprit is all these big corporate mergers. Now that there are only so few owners, all the cars are beginning to look the same. Because hey man, if they won’t buy you out, you can’t beat ‘em, so join em!

R.I.P. the individual unique hot hatch. Maybe Peugeot will save us yet with something as good as the GTi6 was in the nineties.

Well Easter certainly was better spent than sitting around the house, arsing about eating chocolate. Bathurst put on a great little 3 dayer of motorsport, without a V8 McSupercar in sight. The only dissapointment being the car i’d driven 800 kilometres to see (the XR6 Turbo) only get a measly 14th outright placing. Here’s the final rankings.

What was the Bathurst International Motorsport Festival? Well there were a few races, Commodore Cup, classic racers, GT cup and of course the Production Car 12 hour. Surprisingly all were cool and good in their own way. Even the Commodore Cup was actually awesome to watch. My personal fav was the classic cars, because with their crappy old brakes and old fashioned grunt (mostly Mustangs, Mazda rotaries and XU1 Toranas) really keep you on your toes. One Mustang left the most bad arsed black skid mark on a ripple strip after oversteering through a corner the driver must’ve crapped himself!

For bragging rights though the GT cup, full of Lamborginis and Porsche GT3s owned. We got a great spot just coming off of Conrod straight where these exotics really had to break, so you got the full aural spectrum. Surprisingly the Lambo Gallardo (when driven hard) sounds like a John Deere tractor changing down; the Ferrari F430 literally farted between gearshifts and the Porsches, were well just, Porsches. Driven by Porsche drivers. Basically a big helping of beige with some creamy beige sauce.

Speaking of aural senstations, the Production Cars didn’t dissapoint. Well except for a Diesel Alfa Romeo that seemed to be running on wind because there was no engine noise whatsoever. Funnily, a few old Celicas were brapping their way around the track, revving their tits off, sounding the way an Alfa used to! So too an old Honda Integra Type R. Bloody brilliant. It was worth the drive just to see this variety of cars, old and new, racing at once.

An old Ford Falcon TE 50, which sadly didn’t finish sounded simply awesome! A delicious rich V8 burble you wish you could bottle and age. Not so an old VY SS Commodore. It just sounded muted and dull. The XR6 Turbos, sadly, didn’t sound so great. The Typhoon F6 version though sounded like Sir Michael Mouse the Third. Quite simply, it was god!

If you’re thinking of going up (if it happens again) next year, Saturday really is the main day. After all, everyone has to drive home on the Sunday! It’s just chock-a-block racing. There were a few wanky glory laps of hot cars and classic motorbikes around the track, not actually racing. Nonetheless if was great eye candy and pretty cool.

Also there was a dirt track for the Crusty Demon motorbike dudes doing jumps and tricks. Having said that, I don’t think they were THE Crusty Demons, but they were bloody good - especially for free!

What really sucked though was I swear this event was run by communists. Because they seeminly had NO interest in getting money. There were canteens closed, no EFTPOS or ATM facilities, very few Mr Whippy vans or Concession stands and only one Jack Daniels sponsored bar (that wasn’t really accessible. It was a 10 minute walk wherever you were) serving booze. So if you do come, come cashed up. Because otherwise you’ll have to get a pass out and go back into town.

Would I go again?
Hell yeah! For $55 for 3 days, despite the Communist proliteriat giving me the shits, it was just fantastic. The crowd isn’t too bogany and the racing is just awesome. You can access at least half of the track (you can even camp there) and see some great thrills and spills and diversity in motorsport.

Only recommendation is book hotel accomodation in advance or camp. Because I had to stay in the most expensive, misery guts, crappy motel of my life - AND paid 5 times more than mates who stayed in pubs at around $25 a night each.

Roadtrip tips
Best meals of the trip were the Knickerbocker Hotel in Bathurst (massive steaks and a great seafood platter). They serve the pub grub of country legend. For lunch the best was the Cowra Smokehouse, which served a lamp wrap worth marrying.

So the cat’s well and truly out of the bag now. The VE range has formally been launched. I’ve been a bit confused as I thought it was launched 6-8 weeks ago, but Holden had so many VE test mules going around Chapel St, it’s hard to tell. Far from being a sweet little puppy, this thing looks like some mongrel mutt.

Thanks Holden for making me say something I NEVER thought i’d say this. I prefer the new Camry over the VE. Its hot rod styled front grille at least has character. For that matter, the Mitsubishi 380 is a more cohesive looking unit. And the Ford Falcon, for might be the oldest sheet metal on the market, is still the most aesthetically sound. It knows it’s a big, boofy old manny car and doesn’t try overly hard. Frankly, that’s important. Do you want to see your old man in slacks and a shirt, or trying to dress like some crappy, stupid EMO band like AFI. No thanks!

It gets worse. Last weekend in Caufield, I saw this mess of chintzy plastic chrome and jagged edges. It was a Saudi spec Chevrolet Caprice Royale (based on our Statesman/Caprice models), left hand drive test mule. From the front this car looks truly atrocious. Just like walking into a $10 hairdresser with a picture of the perfect haircut, the bloke says ‘no probs’, but yes sir, you walk out with a $10 haircut. Yup, Holden might have walked in with a picture of a 5 series beamer, but they’ve walked out with the bastard son of a Cadillac that slipped into bed with a Magna.

In fairness, the Royale looked all right from some angles, but it can only keep it’s bad features in the shade for so long. Could an interior make up for an otherwise iffy exterior. Pfft, naaaah. Check out the hand brake. A true balls up of design. It’s two inches thick and looks like an egaggerated 1980s joystick from Commodore 64 days.

On Berlina spec VEs, you get the most unfortunate strip of fake wood right across the dash board. It sort of looks like snake skin shoes, in plastic. I also sat in a Calais spec car that felt like the seat fabric was made of recycled plastic bottles. In other words, bloody terrible. The SS-V spec car was the only interior that felt like a superior place to be. One worthy of any kind of hype. But with that tacky hero colour and those flared guards on a boxy body, meh, couldn’t care less. It looks bloody terrible.

I hope this thing drives ten times better than it looks. Because being Australian, it sure as hell wont be built well and this thing in the words of Jeremy Clarkson ‘looks like it was designed by someone, that only had a ruler’. One thing’s for certain is that I think the engineers have gone German and the designers have been sucking up too much to the Cadillac cousins. And the result is that daggy cousin that’s always at the back of the wedding photos. Poor old Holden VE. The school of hard knocks is going to be tough on you.

Hah, i’ve got my first email from the Wheels Blog. Seems someone was as patient as me for it to load. Unfortunately this guy is not as open minded or as erudite, and not doing himself any favours with his witty retort. Since he was too gutless to leave a name or an email address, i’ve taken the liberty of sharing his pro-Commodore rant with you. Serves you right big fella!

Firstly here’s his rant in full.

"Your a LOSER wrote:

You believe Toyota has it in spades over Holden, you a joke. The Holden

commodore has been the greatest selling vehicle in the country for almost a decade. Toyota have only recently overtaken Holden in sales largely due to peoples mis-conception of big 6 cylinder being a big thirsty thing, i have not once been in a Toyota capable of chewing up the K’s like a Commodore or Falcon can do, the fact that you drive an XR6T daily you would realise this. You purchase your girlfriends Carolla and let me know just how much room you have

left after you put a child seat, two adults and a second child, while your at it throw in the weekly shopping. GOODLUCK!

Also about them being slow in a few years? Is this compared to the newer models released? or your corolla, with each model there is an inevitable power increase as with most cars but obviously not Toyota’s!

Good Day yourself, i’ll take the safety of my large family car anyday."

Now the part I really enjoy. Spelling bee!

• you’re a joke NOT you a joke
• girlfriend’s Corolla NOT girlfriends Carolla

Now for the responses

You believe Toyota has it in spades over Holden, you a joke. The Holden
commodore has been the greatest selling vehicle in the country for almost a
decade.

If you did your homework, Holden have been outselling everyone else with large family cars for a lot longer than a decade. Problem is mate, Toyota have outflanked the competition in every other niche and category in the Australian car market (Landcruiser, Hilux, Corolla, Starlet etc) , and have done so for at least a decade. That’s the real sales success. Good on Toyota for having the fore sight not to take Holden head on. Unfortunately your big Aussie hero only really has one ace up its sleeve, and that’s going to really, really hurt them in the long term.

Toyota have only recently overtaken Holden in sales largely due to

peoples mis-conception of big 6 cylinder being a big thirsty thing,

I’d hardly say it’s a misconception. My XR6T gets 17.7 lt to 100 kilometres! My XT Falcon before that would be lucky to get 15 litres. And guess what big fella, I don’t drive my car every day!

i have not once been in a Toyota capable of chewing up the K’s like a Commodore or Falcon
can do, the fact that you drive an XR6T daily you would realise this.

Try a Tarago and then you’ll find out why virtually every rock band in the world has at least one in their touring entourage. Effortless torque regardless of the load it’s carrying. And in fact, the ‘rolla ain’t so bad either! Oh and the only time I do genuinely enjoy the Turbo is on interstate trips, but that’s only 2 times a year.

You purchase your girlfriends Carolla and let me know just how much room you have

left after you put a child seat, two adults and a second child, while your at

it throw in the weekly shopping. GOODLUCK!

Actually mate, my old Pulsar SSS had the biggest boot of any car I’ve had. Not a ‘rolla but a similar sized car none the less. A lot easier to park too! I sternly hope you haven’t bred either. I for one don’t have children. Also my dad had virtually every Falcon from the XE to the EF as a company car and a few Commodores as well. I’ve owned 2 Falcons and a Commodore and the quality has been a little average to say the least, compared to the Japanese cars. So at least the car won’t fall apart around the shopping.

Also about them being slow in a few years? Is this compared to the newer models released? or your corolla, with each model there is an inevitable power increase as with most cars but obviously not Toyota’s!

Toyota make their newer cars to better meet their users needs as lifestyles change. Holden, especially HSV, just power everything up until a 3yo HSV is worth virtually nothing. My friend has just bought a 2003 HSV Clubsport R8 for $43K that was approx $75 3 years ago. Something tells me kind sir, Toyotas tend to hold their values a little bit better.

Good Day yourself, i’ll take the safety of my large family car anyday."

What’s your measurement of safety? You’ll probably find you’re loosing out their too unless you’re talking about the VE Commodore which will be the first to be built from scratch to international standards! Unlike, kind sir, the Toyotas.

Anyway, it sounds like this bloke hasn’t experienced any other cars to get some perspective. Albeit I drive the Falcon Turbo (Because I can. You can mostly thank Peter Costello’s taxation rules for that), size don’t make the best family car baby! Usability, intelligent design, good resale value, nimbleness and build quality can play a very big part as well. If you’ve ever sat in the Pug or the VW, you’d realise how well they make use of small space compared to the Falcon anyway, which because of the C pillar you can fit any decent size objects in. So as you’ve probably heard from the girls before, it’s now how big it is, it’s what you do with it!

But hey I tell you what Mr Anonymous, why not for homework drive a Peugeot 306, a Corolla Sportivo and a VW Golf and tell me that they still aren’t family cars.

Kind regards,

Mr loser.

Yes sir! Australia’s most corporatised car magazine, that sticks by the Camira as a great ‘Car of the Year’ (COTY) recipient has started a blog. Great, we’ve stepped into 2001 here! Don’t get me wrong, they’ve been fairly modest about it and skipped the whole song and dance routine, but come on guys, pick up the slack! The content is great but the execution is rubbish.

Seems that now even telcos do blogs, that it’s acceptable for every Tom, Dick and Harry to put their corporate masthead on a blog. Corporate flirtation with Open Source tools (such as blogs and wikis) intended for individuals and non corporates can be disasterous. They usually reak of some beardy old management type overhearing an IT guy talking loudly about some new fangled technology in the pub.

Then Monday morning, thinking he’s all clever, he calls a meeting to get people onto it. And at that critical moment in time, the IT boffins get some wind in their sails and believe they can actually do something cool and new for once. With management endorsement, you can do anything! Pity that management type thought that blogs take only 3 clicks to setup and cost nothing. It ain’t true fella. Like anything they take a lot of hard work to get right.

Don’t get me wrong, there could be some longevity in the Wheels blog. It’s a genuinely good read. It’s the execution that sucks. Each page load is taking me about 3 minutes - literally! Who tested this thing? And this by the way is on a very, very fast corporate LAN. It must be atrociously slow on dial up. The layout’s very poor (it took me about 10 minutes to notice there were categories listed on the right) and reaks of absolutely 0 IT staff or designer involvement. Just some blog template straight off the shelf.

Fellas don’t be discouraged. But please, listen to your customers and get this right. Yes year 9 kids can do blogs and they’re cute. Corporations don’t (and shouldn’t) get such liberties).  You can find the Wheels Blog here. Oh yeah and why do you guys whinge about wanting to take back the COTY for the frog eyed Subaru Impreza,  yet boast about  not giving out a COTY because the XD Falcon was such a lemon? Get off your high horse!

In the June 2006 edition of Modern Motor, (’Singing from the Same Song Book’ by Bill Tuckey) they reckon that the Australian Design Rules (ADRs) that govern everything from seat belt and head light intensity to width of number plate recesses are being abolished. And fair enough too. As they point out, they cost Aussie consumers a lot in mark ups when bringing cars to market.

John Conomos the former head of Toyota Australia reckons that the SC400 Lexus coupe and the Toyota Echo would’ve come out a lot differently if not for the ADRs. Let’s not forget that in the early 90s, the SC400 would’ve been worth the best part of $100K AUD. Apparently it never ended up here because its Japanese number plate recess in the front bumper wasn’t wide enough to accomodate an Aussie number plate. Oh dear. Too expensive the bean counters said and they gave up. While the Echo ended up going on sale, the ADRs were apparently the bane of its existence. While these are two isolated examples, it shows how burocracy got in the way of getting cars to market that were of Luftwaffe like quality.

The irony of course is now the Lexus SC400 is all over the streets because so many grey importers registered for SEVS (Special Enthusiast Vehicle System) rights to import them in small but noticable quantities. Now that $100K car can be bought 15 years old for $10K.

This brings me to my point. If they bugger off the ADRs, and gel with the EU and Japanese design rules, what about all the SEVS liscenced importers? Can we still get grey imports? All these importers who have spent hundreds of thousands of dollars in SEVS compliance fees, was all their money in vein now the ADRs the SEVS scheme was designed to enforce don’t exist? Will the price of the $140K 2005 Mustang drop to something more reasonable? A big chunk of that has to be SEVS compliance costs. Who knows.

All I know is, I hope it doesn’t mean that they let crap in the ADRs stopped. For example the Proton Iswara was going to be a run about that made a Kia Rio look exorbitant selling for under $10K brand spankers.  Based on 1983 Mitsubishi Colt architecture, there was probably nothing left of it after the mandatory frontal collision test as part of ADR compliance. And that was the last we heard of that.

I hope we get the best of 3 worlds out of this change:
- We get cheaper and better grey imports now they don’t have to be made to comply with ADRs
- We get cheaper cars sold domestically in Australia
- We don’t get sub standard cars that somehow slip through the cracks, eg the Proton Iswara.

According to the National Transport Commission Web site, reviewing of the ADRs was announced 18/11/2004 with no ETA. All my favourite grey import sites and the DOTARS web site have nothing to say. No one has anything to say on this hot potato! This could be the biggest thing in 50 years in the Aussie motor industry. Wierd. More to come soon chaps.

Nothing happened here that didn’t happen last year. There is nothing remarkable at the show. Even more so than last year.

If you even contemplate going and spending approx $20 to get in (I didn’t fortunately), send me the $20 in a stamped self addressed envelope. I will shit in a bag and send it back to you. Get your bag in the mail, hang it up, then punch it. I promise you this will give you more amazement and value for money than the motorshow in its entirity. UNLESS you think the new Toyota Avalon replacement constitutes entertainment.

At least with my way, people will ask why you’ve got poo all over your hands, and you will have an interesting story to tell them. If you tell them you’ve paid $20 odd to see an Avalon, you deserve to get beaten - repeatedly.

Otherwise, don’t bother!

This email came from some bloke calling himself ‘gully gti-r’. Perhaps he should call himself Ali G?

"yo homeboy dem pics of dat gtir r fukin mad,coz gtir r me dream car i lov dem 2 bitz,me uncle ad 1 in birmingham wat was runnin 300bhp"

What the hell am I meant to do with this? Should I tell him that the GTI-R never had any success ever because of its woeful transsion? He must be referring to some car on matthayward.com but for the life of me I don’t know which one. If nothing else, all these crap emails have taught me a lesson in usability: that you always need to know which page referred your user. But this useless information is the pitts. I think I am going to tear down all those old car pictures and turn the page! This shit is just the dregs of humanity.

Here’s some more to prove the point.

"oi do u have ne other pics of gemini wagons if so could u send em to us thanks dude"
"hey omg i love that car i want 1 just like it but in blue or black or pink.u got a nice ride.well betta go write bac"~Rheana
"that van is sic ive got a td panel van and i dont see meny of them now can you send me some more pics of it some of the inside to."~RONNIE

I give up on the mentality of the car scene.

Make no mistake, this is a rant. As if the current Mitsubishi Magna isn’t a bad enough example or corporate turd polishing to make an outdated square fit into a round market peg hole, now Audi are doing it too! Enough of the corporate rhinoplasty already!

Cars for years have had similar elements without having the same front across the range and have done well for it. In the early nineties, put a Bluebird next to an R33 sedan and you see a resemblance. Or the BMW range all had their distinctive kidney grille without having the same everything across the range. Their was a family resemblance, but no ghastly hand me downs.

Mitsubishi, Audi and GM are by far the worst corporate nose job offenders. WHY did Mitsu’ feel the need to made EVO 8 have such a god damned ugly nose the same as their Pajero 4WD? Sure some of this is subjective but cars are not about a corporate ethos, they are about reflecting the attidude of the individual. Frankly I think the Evo 6 and 7 are far better, butcher looking rides than the Evo 8 which looks like a lopsided plaster paris experiment gone wrong. The Pajero and Evo are strengths to the badge but disparate and exclusive; symbiotic but siblings that don’t need (or want) to share the same limelight.

GM are becoming offenders with their Saab grille on the Saabaru and their new Saab SUV. Audi have this atrocious grille, albeit subjective, I loathe the bastard.

Loathed to admit to it as I am, perhaps Honda and BMW do it best and everyone else is just trying too hard. An S2000 and an Accord go together. So too a Z4 and the X5. You look at these cars and you know who makes them. They’re subtle and the rest are overt. And subtlety speaks volumes in enduring style.

This week I am back from Kangaroo Island. I took the XR6T and she burned 3 litres of oil, and the engine completely shut down twice! I’m especially pissed as I never revved it past 4.5 grand and didn’t speed. For those of you who have driven in South Australia, you know how anal they are about speeding. Not to mention the locals that sit on 65 in a 100 zone! So for most of the trip (except the occaisonal section of twisties) the cruise control was set to the speed limit.

After taking it to City Ford in Melbourne for a check up, they reckon a solenoid in the turbo was stuffed. I don’t get what this solenoid is or what it does though.

So I am putting out these questions, what does it do? What causes it to stuff up (shitty parts, giving it a caning etc)? Has it happened to anyone else with a BA Mark II Turbo?

Hopefully it’s all good and it’s not too big a problem. It seems to be running fine now.