The world adores matt hayward

Well iiNET are very proactive after you call them. So much so after you call help desk, they send you an email that goes  like this.

Thank you for your call this morning,

Skye spoke to you this morning at ##:## AM WST regarding your enquiry. We
understand that you may be midway through this transaction at present;
however to enable us to improve and provide specific guidance and feedback
to Skye, we would like you to fill out a very short survey. 

To complete the survey, please click on the following link:

[insert link here] 

If you do not wish to participate in any more of these surveys,
you can unsubscribe by modifying your mail settings on the iiNet
toolbox available at https://toolbox.iinet.net.au

Normally, I wouldn’t bother with a reply. But given that I had spent almost enough time on the phone to watch most of an average B-grade movie,  there was plenty to talk about. So I provided them with this reply in their little survey. This went in the ‘free text’ field of their response.

It took approx 65 minutes to answer the phone. [operator name] was lovely and I have absolutely no complaints about her demeanour or level of diligence; she was truly the only hope you guys would have in organising a dance number in a Bollywood movie, let alone fornication in a brothel. Hats off to her.

What I do wish to complain about in no uncertain terms is that when I’ve clearly identified myself as a broadband customer using the IVR, I’m forced to listen to the same dial up customer announcements on rotation for 65 minutes. Why would I be interested in a dial up accelerator when I am clearly a broadband customer? Unlike the location of most of your call centres, the quality of your customer service has seriously gone south in the 18 odd months I’ve been using your service. Can I suggest convergence into other industries where you could promote bacon on a Kosher butcher’s IVR, beef to Hindus perhaps? It’s equally futile and about as annoying.

Furthermore, please inform me where to send the invoice for my time waisted to iiNet. Otherwise if you did want to make amends for the truly below par customer experience, please follow these directions:

1. Print this message off, preferably on A3 paper or larger
2. Make a bull’s eye like target in the centre of the paper. Make it fairly large
3. Go to the bathroom and make yourself comfortable over the target.
4. Stimulate your tummy until the target you drew earlier is covered with your fresh stool sample. If you’re having trouble, simply call 13 22 58
5. starting from the outside in, roll up the printed email into a neat bag
6. proceed to your manager’s office
7. get your manager to hold the bag at just below shoulder height
8. punch it

Tell your manager if he wants to know who the message is from, unwrap the bag and tell him I send my regards.

The above nine steps should go some way in providing some sort of empathy for the futility of your customer service that as a former customer, I had been repeatedly subjected to. Although I will be recommending your services to my de facto mother in law. Frankly, you two deserve each other. Hopefully you will both null each other out, and the world will yet again be free of persistent, nagging annoyances.

P.S. 65 minutes is a really long time to spend on the phone. I like ending letters in moot points.

On average, you’d be lucky to spend only 20 minutes on the phone waiting for iiNet - for sales or tech support enquiries.
It does also highlight the fact that why do companies ask questions in their Interactive Voice Response (IVR) systems, e.g. ‘press 1 for voice, press 2 for data services’ if they don’t inform staff what you’ve entered.

It’s good to know that not only are iiNet completely under resourced, they’re being incredibly useless with their processes as well. Given that I was calling to cancel the service, you’d think they’d at least know I was a broadband customer and tell me some compelling reason to stay with them. Oh no, you just keep hearing the same ‘ask us about the dial-up accelerator’ announcement 50 times. With all the time and resources they put into their post call survey, why not make the IVR service more intelligent? Or put the money into more staff!?

Anyways, rant dies here. Interestingly, when I joined iiNet at least 18 months ago, the service was phenomenal. But given that help desk makes up so much of what you pay for with DSL, it’s not even worth mentioning whether the broadband was good or not.  As it turns out it was like when Shannon Doherty in the movie Mall Rats describes her ex-lovers appendage as a ‘decent size’. That’s about the nicest thing you can say really.

Man I have been overdosing lately on crazy docos. And this one is by far the most bizarre. Have you ever seen two nerds in high school take each other to task in a presentation. Ripping each other to pieces with bane minutia, footnotes and factoids to try and find wholes in the other’s argument? The teacher shirked, gives both students an A and you can hear the girls’ legs close forever for the two learned nerds who will now have to take their virginity well into university (or college for you yanks!). Pathetic isn’t it.

Well picture that scenario with video games. That’s what The King of Kong - a Fistful of Quarters is all about. Picture high school nerds trying to set the world record on the 1980s Donkey Kong arcade game.

One bloke Billy Mitchell is a nerd that learnt how to play the game. Sure he had the joystick skills, but he got himself the stick on smile, pearly white teeth and the all American boy image, complete with a USA flag tie. Oh yeah, and he’s craftier than a shit house rat.

That doesn’t make Billy different to any other leading character. He’s forged himself a reputation and set his record in the eighties in front of an adoring live audience. But decades have passed and no one has come close till now. Enter Steve Weibe, the David in the Goliath equation. He’s a relatively good bloke that actually has a life, instead of several cats in an small apartment and his mum on speed dial. He’s just clearly obsessive compulsive, but keeps it together.

So the trouble starts when Weibe sends in a video tape of a Donkey Kong high score that blew Mitchell’s score into the water. The tape goes to a high score moderator that is clearly an old boys club that looks after its own. This is where things start getting weird. Suddenly people are accusing Weibe of machine tampering, hanging out with the wrong crowd and demanding a showdown with their beloved hero Mitchell.

By this stage, Revenge of the Nerds is looking like Beverly Hills 90210 by comparison. A bevvy of meddling nerds like Brian Kuh, who has held the second highest Donkey Kong score, enter the fray all loyal to Mitchell. Kuh is clearly a successful but tragic man. He’s retired at thirty, but instead of letting his hair down in a yacht and a Porsche, he sets up a showdown for Weibe in Florida somewhere. Following Weibe around everywhere, monitoring his every score and bowel movement over the mobile to Mitchell.

Despite the great not showing up to the showdown, Weibe plays on and exceeds all expectations, setting an unprecedented high score in front of an indisputable audience.  The look on Kuh’s face is priceless, as well as some other baldy guy who looks like Red Green from the Red Green Show. Clearly this wasn’t meant to happen and the king throws a spanner in the works via his many henchmen. A nerd melee ensues erupting in a showdown with a Guinness Book of Records attempt to up the ante.

What this doco is all about is asking whether being the better man and giving in better than having questionable personal hygiene and a world title. It also proves that money can never take the nerd out of a man, or give him valour. Frankly, this is a hilarious glimpse into a very esoteric nerdy world and the social wet blankets that made it for themselves. How some blokes will have to the best at something ANYTHING at all costs. All in all, the strength of character and perseverance of individuals that make this movie interesting. Not the nerds. Your more laughing at them, not with them.

Four out of five.

Watching the news just now on Australian Channel Ten, I was simply flabbergasted at how a report on anti-whaling protesters completely missed the point. Apparently one of the Sea Shepherd crew was shot by a Japanese  ’scientist’. What really amazed me is that the bullet was lodged in one of the protester’s “Kevlar”. Now this can only mean one thing. Kevlar body armour.

Kevlar is strong enough to make ship hulls out of. So you can be damn sure it wasn’t thermal underwear the protester was wearing. You don’t have to be a security expert to realise that this is getting a bit bloody serious. Military Kevlar vests weigh approximately 20-30 kilos as well so you  wear them because your life’s in danger, not to pull chicks. Furthermore one or two of the Japanese coast guards (surely just a little bit out of their jurisdiction) were wearing full riot gear sans shields and weapons.  Apparently we’re not in Kansas anymore Dorothy.

SBS coverage was a little more interesting. Announcements in English from the Japanese ship’s bullhorn threatened the protesters with arrest under Japanese law. Now again, I ain’t no lawyer but aren’t they in Japanese waters?
Yes this is the clandestine side of what are genuine cultural differences. Like bulls to the Spanish, our Asian brethren tend to think you eat meat or you don’t. So once you cross that divide, there’s no difference between a cow and a whale, an abalone and a sardine; if you’re eating meat, you accept the cruelty and get on with it. An attitude definitely backed up by long time friend and Japanese host brother.

Sure most of us whitey’s are a little less black and white. If somethings endangered, you do something about it; the beauty of grey persists. Often we’ll put animal welfare before that of refugees, the homeless, even extended family. I don’t really buy into that.

While I adore protest and support it wholeheartedly, it just makes the whole thing stink. What is going on! Of all the Military bases in Antarctica e.g. those of Argentina, Australia, US and Chile(?), why can’t the be called upon to get both parties the hell out of Dodge? After all if they really love warm furry animals, they’d be really giving them the shits with all that noise? Secondly, I plead my naiveté to the issue here, but why doesn’t anyone persist on the Japanese publishing some findings or data on the issue [perhaps they have. This is a rant not an essay!]?

And finally, can someone just outline how stupid hunting these animals is!!! The animal is bloody useless and apparently quite salty! How can they justify the expense of killing the things? How can the justify the cultural connection to the Japanese people without a PR firm? It’s not as if there intuits or Scandinavians which still probably give it a red hot go - as they always have.

Anyways, someone should ‘bitchslap’ both parties hard ‘upside the head’ and remind them how bloody petulant the whole exercise is. Here we are living in a quasi-fascist, one state world and we can’t get our act together over a few blubbering whales?

On the lighter side, the Japanese are apparently threatening to use tear gas in their defense. Now again, I ain’t no munitions or combat expert, but this sounds preposterous to me. How is the gas going to ‘hang around’ on the deck of the protesters’ ship? No doubt it can be used but it sounds like a ridiculous tactic. Would love to hear if it is plausible to use tear gas on the water! It sounds like threatening to nag your wife or partner: you know it’s futile so why try?

A matter of opinion all too quickly becomes a war. Can’t we be more cunning in getting the Japanese to see the grey side of the argument rather than pushing time and resources into military action? What a waste of time.

Well at least you’d be saying this if you were Karl Rove. Whose apparently Norwegian, pierced penis, queer pioneer adopted father is meant to be according to this article. Some bloke who claims that Louis Rove used to go to piercing parties with him in the seventies, where they’d pierce each other on coffee tables, claims to own Mr Rove’s favorite golden cock ring.

If you’re really game, read the source article here. The alledged Louis Rove has so many piercings, he’s like an inverted colander or a gold plated, purple headed Darlek. Well at least he can follow in his son’s footsteps and join the Conservative Party in the UK…

Aah when the truth comes out about neo-cons. Oh dear god I hope that this is true. This is funnier than the refugees that snuck into England in Tony Blair’s customised BMW limo… Pure gold! Ironically I found this because I was searching for the apparent new You Am I album title “I’m Proud Of My Gay Son”. This find was almost as good as a new You Am I album. But please Timmy, top this one!

Last night I was having dinner when there was a knock at the door. A very skinny, dark skinned kid about 20 was at the door. He claimed to be an Israeli art student (from Tel Aviv university. But that uni doesn’t offer art on it’s curriculum page) selling paintings, only ‘he wasn’t allowed to sell his own work’. His English wasn’t too bad.

Strangely for an Israeli guy he didn’t seem to know about Caufield and Balaclava - two of the biggest Jewish areas in Melbourne. He said he was staying outside of Melbourne.

The whole time he was showing us his paintings, it was in the back of my mind that I’d heard this story before. Then I found this link from 2004. The elephant painting in this article was in this art kid’s portfolio. Small co-incidence? There are a whole bunch of articles about possible Mossad spy activity in the US and a bunch of Israeli art students being deported. Some were caught at DEA building and military areas. Very, very suss.

Like the link above, the guy told me someone would be in touch about having it framed. This is not something i’m looking forward to.

If any of you guys here of Israeli art students going door to door in Melbourne, please comment here. I am dying to find out what is going on. Because clearly they’re not art students. But why would they be repeating this scam in Melbourne?

At best it’s second-rate art sold at a premium. At least according to this New Zealand article again from 2004, suggesting there’s nothing more sinister than that. I suspect as they’re suggesting, it is simply art of no value mass produced in China. Mostly copies of the real deal.

Would be very interested to see if there are any more occurrences of this…

Follow up 11/02/08: after 8 comments, 1 email and a link to this page from a Russian site, this is a proven scam. Even the Northern Territory Police have issued a warning. This scam is being worked from Russia, to Arizona, to Auckland and everywhere in between. Thanks all for the continued feedback. Please keep it coming!

Go on! Sponsor a mo! Sponsor mine! Here’s a link. You know you want to. Movember is raising money this year for mens’ depression (Beyond Blue) and prostate cancer.

All you have to do is click on http://www.movember.com/au/donate/donate-search.php and specify mo bro number ‘64808′. It’s totally tax deductible and it justifies this manifest of sleazy facial hair.

That’s right. This week our own Prime Minister, or should I say ‘il Duce’ has announced his Fascistic intentions. On last night’s 7.30 Report on ABC TV, he started talking about ‘aspirational nationalism’. Make no mistake, just about any Fascist movement ever has had nationalism in there somewhere. I’m not suggesting for one second Mr Howard is jumping to the centre of politics, but whoever’s writing his speeches should’ve pulled him up on it.

And this whole notion of federalisation? Are you insane! The Labor state governments are the only thing standing in the way of this guy running the country! Besides local affairs need local representation, not a one size fits all approach to one of the most geographically dispersed democracies in the world - well at least while it still is. Dear boy, you’re showing your age. Time to smell the roses and retire.

John Howard the Fascist! (well a link to a newspaper article anyway).

Yes i’m aware of the tautology in the title. But are you aware how many small (well quite large small) cars look the same these days. I was looking at this story on autoblog today about a sporty Kia. Then I thought cool! Just like the V8 Hyundai, the Koreans are finally going for the heart with their wares, and not just the wallet. Well that is all good except for the fact, they should do it with a clean slate. Because this car looks cool, like a VW Golf, and the new Subaru Impreza, and the BMW 1 series, and the Mazda 3 …

Hell there’s nothing wrong with being derivative. Or for that matter doing something out of spite. But ALL small cars are starting to have the same silhouette. When the first Golf came out, it bore a resemblance to the Peugeot 307 (so did the Corolla).

This can only mean one thing. Small cars are going bloody gang busters all over the world and no one can shift enough product. So smaller players are trying to get their hustle on and bring out products quick smart to get some of that sweet, sweet market share. Mmmmm. Why waste R&D dollars when there’s such a good recipe already out there?

It’s bloody dissapointing, not only that when Kia put their best foot forward (finally) it looks like a 3 way between a Lexus, VW Golf and a Mazda 3. What really sucks is that the Subaru Impreza just looks like everyone else now. Except for its flat four boxer engine, it may as well be this Kia (pictured right).

That’s right Japan’s most individual brand, the Saab of the orient, has finally got a blue pinstripe suit and an office gig. Toyota has come in and now the bright spark is making coffee for the corporate types at Toyota. So I guess the other culprit is all these big corporate mergers. Now that there are only so few owners, all the cars are beginning to look the same. Because hey man, if they won’t buy you out, you can’t beat ‘em, so join em!

R.I.P. the individual unique hot hatch. Maybe Peugeot will save us yet with something as good as the GTi6 was in the nineties.

Well I guess you’ve heard about the controversy. Big Day Out promoters yesterday were asking fans not to bring Aussie flags to the event, to combat, well boganism. Everybody gave a bit of a serve to the BDO - to some extent justifiably so.

Firstly, I am biased as hell. Because for one, I am not about to give Americans heaps of crap for their stars and stripes regalia and then be a hypocrite waving the Southern Cross. The best celebration of patriotism are the quiet ones. Why should you have to wave a flag to prove your love? What if you don’t care so much about the flag, but more what makes us different as people first, then a nation? And you betcha I hate it when people hide behind unAustralian. So if I was told I couldn’t bring a flag, well that’s another hand I can carry beer with. And it doesn’t bring everyone else down with their populist, macho, jingoistic bullshit!

Secondly the lame part of the argument. BDO is about beer, ecstacy, speed, mates, moshing, pashing, pushing, groping, shagging, techno, metal, rock, exhaustion, cracked ribs, crowd surfing, injuries and the occasional punch on. The promoters have to turn a blind eye to everything but the punch ons or the crowds won’t come.  So they need to pay for police attendance, security and insurance for the event. So in lieu of a few hundred bogans on speed looking for a big arsed punch on with a bunch of drugged out emo kids, I say anything that doesn’t evoke racially motivated violence is a good thing. But my viewpoint on flags (in general, not just the Oz flag) makes it easier for me nonetheless.

Frankly I couldn’t think of any better way to celebrate the history of this country by just doing what you love. I for one don’t think that those that fought and died in the great wars (or those that refos that plain risked everything to get here) would want it any other way. I certainly don’t think they’d want us fighting each other to prove our love for a nation. And when the NSW Premier says ‘just kick out the trouble makers’, well what are you going to take away the sniffer dogs and add extra police FOR FREE to deal with the punch on ready bogans you’re defending? If it’s at a state event fine. But at a paid private festival, blow it out your arse! You didn’t even offer any extra police!

There’s no better way to pay tribute to your freedom. But punching the crap out of people because they won’t kiss your flag is what you’d expect Russian nazis to do to Chechnian refugees or some other Eastern Bloc country. A Macedonian mate of mine always used to joke that in 500 years, Aussies will be fighting each other like Macos and Greeks do now. Like time just never heals wounds. It scares me that some are trying to speed up this process.

Now the meaty stuff. Did anyone else notice that second in the news was one of the biggest cabinet reshuffles in Federal parliament Howard has ever done? What convenient timing! Bring up some ‘You have to agree with us, it’s unAustralian not to‘ bullshit and everyone’s too pent up and angry to ask who’s still around and what political alliances are being formed, and god only knows what else.

Now the big Kahuna. It won’t matter a flying fuck if we have the right to take our flag anywhere. Why? Because AUSTRALIA HAS NO CONSTITUTIONALLY PROTECTED RIGHT TO FREEDOM OF SPEECH. IT WOULDN’T REALLY MATTER WHAT LAW THEY MADE UP. So why not get to the heart of the issue and have a referendum to change the constitution. Then flags are protected under the freedom of speech addendum in the constituion. But geez, I hate it when people carry on about petty stuff and not with the real issue. Not to mention the fact that Australians’ are loosing their rights to freedom of speech, sorry liberties, dramatically over the past 3 years - either at state or federal level.

Fact of the matter is, I think my Macedonian mate was right. Give it time and Sydneyites will be throwing Molotov cocktails at Melbournites. And one thing that’s always true. You can’t trust Howard as far as you can throw him. Oops the thought police are here! 1984!!!

So er, I guess you saw the videos on Youtube (hey where else) of the riots at Noble Park Maccas. I’d like to say I was neutral in the matter. I’m not.

*** Firstly a bit of perspective***
It was back in the olden days - 2001. When phones had green screens and ring tones were still monotonal. We were still getting used to predictive text! Nissan Silvias were still new and uncommon. You still bought video cameras that ran on tapes to the drags! We were some of the first to use these things called forums to organise car meets. Noble Park Maccas, Rowville and a few places in Notting Hill were the shiznit, especially in summer. Oh the hot summer nights. That’s when stuff got good.

So one night, we were at Noble Park Maccas, a few hundred of us. One bloke was in a Mitusbishi Evo at the lights. His 6 year old son was licking an ice cream cone in the passenger seat, while he waited for a worthy oponent at the red light in front of those golden arches. The kid was just there for cover. But who knows, he probably asked his dad to come along. After all this is Noble Park, an absolute shit hole of the Eastern Suburbs. Hoons just think it’s their collective right to congregate there. God knows we did!

There was a vibe that something was going to go down, but we just didn’t care. Hell I guess that’s what makes it exciting. Call it young and stupid We’d been getting away with it for a few too many weeks and the Maccas manager (who could if but for the uniform and the pay cheque been one of us) was itching to call the cops.

All at once the cops raided. And I do mean raided. They even blocked the Maccas drive through. About 30 cars, most of which were from the traffic infringement unit (i’ve forgotten the acronym). Every hoony car on sight was roadied. When the cops broke into a VL Interceptor (the owner had bolted) to ‘roady’ it, about 30 blokes started getting testy. My mates car had already been ‘roadied’ from here to kingdom come, so we just wanted to bolt quick smart. But the cops didn’t win any friends that night.  And those that could get away did - probably to another drag spot.

We never went back. My mates old heap was off the road for at least a year. I sure as hell didn’t want to learn the lesson twice. Between us we now had thousands of dollars in fines for being a dickhead in cars. We licked our wounds and that was that. For some, they don’t seem to learn so easily. And that’s where the problem starts.

***my parents did it, my brother did it IT’S MY RIGHT to do it!***
What happened in Noble Park days ago was like (albeit not racial) Cronulla: nothing new. Honestly, it wouldn’t surprise me if the shops there have been looted before. It’s been happening for at least 10 or 15 years. It probably goes back further than the Sharpies of the 70s. Blokes (and increasingly girls) are always going to want to drag or get in fights. Every year the cops crack down harder and every year the scorn gets greater. Everyone wants a story to impress their mates with, and deep down, tell their grandkids about. What are you going to have a car twice as powerful on your Ps as your uncle’s old Holden VK and not have a story to tell? Hell no! It ain’t just this generation going feral. It’s been reaching boiling point for a long time.

To me this seems to be the aggregate effect of tougher laws on a new generation. They’ve taken away all the fun. So more than ever they want to get back at the cops for spoiling it. Especially now you can have a video on your mobile and all the bragging rights that go with it!

Unfortunately things will get worse. SMS travels faster that 11 444 calls any day of the week.

*** So here’s the corny ending ***
Screw judging people. You watch A Current Affair and you’re so filled with hate, you just want to make laws so kids can’t shit their pants without their parents’ consent. You know to feel safe. I dare say, laws have provoked the situation. The very thing that made many parents and cousins etc cool (I have a mate who claims his parents first met at the illegal drags) you’ve made illegal. So look for some more deep rooted causes before you point the finger baby boomers please! You’re kidults are bored shitless with an arsenal of toys. Aaah can’t you feel the hate.  . .

Secondly, I love cars. I love drags. I love the smell of buring rubber. Just absolutely adore it. It’s only got worse as i’ve got older (in a Jeremy Clarkson, quasi mature kind of way). But there’s simply more to life than driving around industrial estates waiting to get another $500 fine because you can’t find something to do. This is the really corny bit peoples. If you’re going to those drags, sadly you haven’t got enough on your plate and you should find something meaningful to do. There you go, I said it. Urrgh it feels disgusting saying something mature! The further you get away from your car, the more attractive you usually are to women (by default) anyway.

The drags are fun to a point doing it, but it’s mostly just fucking stupid and it’s only getting worse. I’m not even concerned about the car safety aspect (go natural selection!). Just the idiots that show up are obviously finding it harder to get a bad reputation than ever and are probably ready to start stabbing each other just to get on Youtube. Go somewhere CHALLENGING you can really shit yourself in a car: advanced driving, skid pan, DECA days, track days, do a rally course. Prove yourself to yourself. Don’t show off to bogans It’s far more rewarding.

So um, that’s it. This stuff will continue to go in cycles, well at least until the Maccas manager calls the cops or the winter kicks in. Maybe after all it’s just the heat?!