The world adores matt hayward

For thousands upon millions of luddites, everything in the house is positioned around TV screens.  Everything connects to it, but it really connects to nothing. You can watch anything you like, so long as what you want’s on. And it has all the latest broadcast technology, so long as your local networks offer it. Yet all the little luddites gather around it every night to bask in its cathode glow like Smurfs to a giant fucking blue mushroom every time something with Matt Le Blanc comes on. They know there’s a better way, but they’re hooked on the junk. 5 channels are the white rocks and the TV the spoon and syringe.

So um, I might be one of few, but my TV was born in 1984 and hasn’t been used since about Febuary. And that was only because the computer blew up. It’s fake wood laminate cabinet sits in the corner gathering dust, pretty much just taking up valuable space. I just can’t get over how futile it really is. No matter what bright, shiny new objects they pack in at Harvey Norman, I still don’t see the point. Two years ago, I bought a reasonably big telly and gave it to my parents because I just, meh, have better use for the space. And for that matter, the effect it has on you.

It wouldn’t matter if the TV was new either. It’s not an issue of technology or convergence. I couldn’t give a shit if my TV was brand spankers or leant how to butter toast, or do the dishes whilst I was watching Friends.

Now one for the luddites, there is this setup where, you can get whatever you want, whenever you want (so long as you’re patient), and there’s no ads! Shows never finish mid season, the video tape never runs out, and you NEVER have to set the shitty little clock on the front of it when the power goes out. IT’S CALLED THE I - N - T - E - R - N - E - T.

Especially living in confined inner city spaces, space for a TV and a ‘puter is at a premium. So why not have a computer that does both? Wallah! So here’s few quick facts!

1. A computer can work 24 hours a day for you. Unlike your TV, you can download stuff even when you’re not there.
2. You can have a big arse screen, or two or more, for your computer so you can work on one whilst watching programs on the other screen.
3. You can store hundreds of TV programs on your computer without ever reaching for a DVD or video tape. Save them for on your friggin hard drive. When you fill it up, get a bigger one! They’re about 50 cents a meg!
4. While I don’t like TV convergence, I do like PC convergence. There’s hundreds of lounge room friendly cases out there, many with remote controls like a normal telly. My PC has two remotes.
5. The stuff you download is as good or bad quality as you want. You don’t always need Dobly 5.1 sound. Or if you do . . . Choice is good.
6. Most stuff you get, legitimately or not, is ad free. You will be amazed how contrived and condescending ads are if you don’t watch TV in a while.
7. When an interweb link comes up on the screen, you’re already on the computer. Look it up homey!
8. TV was initially about educating the masses, not overwhelming them with crap about Bennifer so they never ask questions about their reality. It’s amazing how many questions about your reality can be answered when you control your viewing destiny.
9. The computer plays DVDs, receives HDTV and plays all manner of podcasts. Yes there still are times when there is good stuff on. . .
10. With technology like www.youtube.com, viewing practices are changing by the minute. Don’t wait till Naomi Robson gets something on her autocue about it, see it as it happens.

Luddites will happily accept something they’re familiar with. After all, a device that constantly asks you to learn new tricks hardly fills a luddites’ heart with glee. But seeing a whole season of your favourite show (or seeing at all) does. It just saddens me every time they get their fresh, over priced, shrink wrapped DVD they’ve been waiting months for when you’ve seen it six friggin’ months ago! One day every land fill on earth will be full of unloved DVDs. Pretty wasteful if you ask me.

Dang it, give up your Rove, your crappy Bert Newtons, your John Tesh friggin’ medleys of Cadbury’s sponsored supercrap and actually download something riveting. It’s the non-luddite equivalent of reading a book. Because, you know, there’s selectively and objectivity involved in the viewing. I sure hope some people out there give it a try some time, and one day, we can live in a world without Naomi Robson.

Have you received this email?

Dear All.

Please pass on to all your friends and relatives the following mail
from Sony Erricsson.

Sony Erricsson is giving away phones for free. Sony Erricsson is trying
word-of-mouth advertising to
introduce its product and the reward you receive for advertising for
them is a free phone free of
cost. To receive your free phone all you have to do is to send this
email out to 8 people (for a
free Sony Erricsson j200i) or 20 people (for a free Sony Erricsson
k400i WAP).

Within 2 weeks you will receive a free phone. (They will contact you
through your e-mail address).

Please mark a copy to:- anna.swelam@sonyerricsson.com

I got this from an ex in Malaysia. Looks dodgey. Let me know if you guys get it. If it’s fake, I wanna get an explanation! Wonder if they have the ACCC in Malaysia?!

Yes they were the famous words of Johnny Rotten. As he jumped on stage at the Sex Pistols swan song gig in San Francisco in the late seventies. They played one song (after no soundcheck), Rotten promptly laughed into the microphone, threw it to the ground and well, that was it. They broke up and that was that. The crowd gave an uproarious applause. For they had seen a true moment.

Well I probably was barely alive then, but one moment I was truly alive to see was 911 September 2001. Frankly I am agnostic to the politics, because i’d rather be erudite than patriotic; true to oneself before one’s country. Because despite all the conspiracy theories (and some damned compelling evidence), something I remember was before that event made me realise that I too was cheated, as were we all.

Sometime around 1999, I was at Monash Uni in Clayton campus waiting to start an exam. I was proabably eating a sandwich, or nervously flicking through notes before the big exam. Anyway, we were around the engineering wing of this campus and I was looking at something I thought was some avant garde corporate art sculpture, by your typical acid whacked 1970s type.  I was crap at studying my notes so I took a closer look.

What I thought was Kraftwerk in steel was actually an artefact of a great tragedy. It was the piece of the Westgate Bridge in Melbourne that buckled in 1970. A small plaque next to it confirmed its plight. Now this was a bridge that took almost 10 years to complete, connecting Melbourne’s east and west. Relatively insignificant in the overall world sceme of things (with all due respect to those who died).

You could forgive those in Manhattan for not knowing of their tragedy 30 years ago. Anyway this big hunka steel was put there, in the grounds of the engineering wing, so that they could determine what the hell went wrong and caused the bridge to collapse. Pretty rational post mortem stuff. You know, so it doesn’t happen again. I didn’t think anything more of it (for years) and marched with the other sheep into my advertising exam.

Then it hit me the like so many tonnes of bricks. Four or so thousand people died when the three towers fell. And you know what, the steel trusses that collapsed were sent to a scrap yard in New Jersey. Within days of the collapse, they were on a junket to Iraq (how ironic) as scrap metal. FEMA or no other nerdy government boffins for that matter weren’t allowed near them.

Tens of tradies died in the seventies making this bridge, god rest ‘em. Anyway my point is this. Why, IN BIG CAPITAL LETTERS, W H Y is this artefact still on public display at Monash Uni and the ruins of the Twin Towers (and Tower 7) have probably been melted down into Saudi scrap?

I’m not asking you to dismiss everything else, or start wearing a beret and a cap. But even the most right wing Bush lover would have to admit that’s a bit suss. Three big towers 4000 dead, no post mortem on the trusses. Bridge collapese in Melbourne, 30 or so dead, piece still on public display. You can’t put that down to culture.

With a big snarly Johnny Rotten smirk on my gob, I ask you, ‘ever feel like you’ve been cheated?’.

At long last, the Bad Boy Bubby Movie Soundboard is ready. Go on, have a play!

If you don’t know the movie, you haven’t lived. It’s a cult classic, well deserved of a soundboard, and now here it is. Please feel free to post any comments or suggestions, bugs or whatever. It’s the first draft of what should be a very beautiful thing! Have fun with it.

 

 

Have you seen that ‘Anatomy For Beginners‘ on Monday nights on SBS yet? Well if you’re not fond of dead bodies being dissected, give it a miss. But if you have, you know that it’s actually quite bearable. The human body parts look actually quite pallatable, and believe me I am not fond of the sight of blood!

So anyhoo, we’re in the pub today and my mate Tim suggests, ‘wouldn’t it be great if Chopper Read was on that show’ and then it was born, ‘Uncle Chop Chop’s Anatamy for Beginners‘. Let’s face it, SBS would lap it up. After all South Park and Fat Pizza are a bit passe now, and everyone is all soccered up after the world cup. What would be better than watching Chopper cut the ears off of a cadaver a la his own dissection in the mid 80’s in Pentride prison? Hey some of the cadavers donated to science (courtesy of the Police mortuary) could be his own victims!

Let’s face it, Chop Chop mightn’t be good with a scalpel, but i’m sure he knows his way around a macette or a pick axe. Should be hours of shits and giggles.

John Saffran could be his nerdy assistant in scrubs, standing ever diligently by his side with the scalpel. Saying witty lines like ‘Look Chopper, looks like his mohel’s already dissected the foreskin. He must be Jewish!’. God only knows Saffran needs to try something new, as his JJJ radio show continues to plateau to evermore bland shit talking.

So remember kids, if a programmer from SBS stumbles upon my blog, you heard it here first. Oh and yeah, Mr SBS, Tim and I get a 50% cut for the concept.

Hah, i’ve got my first email from the Wheels Blog. Seems someone was as patient as me for it to load. Unfortunately this guy is not as open minded or as erudite, and not doing himself any favours with his witty retort. Since he was too gutless to leave a name or an email address, i’ve taken the liberty of sharing his pro-Commodore rant with you. Serves you right big fella!

Firstly here’s his rant in full.

"Your a LOSER wrote:

You believe Toyota has it in spades over Holden, you a joke. The Holden

commodore has been the greatest selling vehicle in the country for almost a decade. Toyota have only recently overtaken Holden in sales largely due to peoples mis-conception of big 6 cylinder being a big thirsty thing, i have not once been in a Toyota capable of chewing up the K’s like a Commodore or Falcon can do, the fact that you drive an XR6T daily you would realise this. You purchase your girlfriends Carolla and let me know just how much room you have

left after you put a child seat, two adults and a second child, while your at it throw in the weekly shopping. GOODLUCK!

Also about them being slow in a few years? Is this compared to the newer models released? or your corolla, with each model there is an inevitable power increase as with most cars but obviously not Toyota’s!

Good Day yourself, i’ll take the safety of my large family car anyday."

Now the part I really enjoy. Spelling bee!

• you’re a joke NOT you a joke
• girlfriend’s Corolla NOT girlfriends Carolla

 

Now for the responses

You believe Toyota has it in spades over Holden, you a joke. The Holden
commodore has been the greatest selling vehicle in the country for almost a
decade.

If you did your homework, Holden have been outselling everyone else with large family cars for a lot longer than a decade. Problem is mate, Toyota have outflanked the competition in every other niche and category in the Australian car market (Landcruiser, Hilux, Corolla, Starlet etc) , and have done so for at least a decade. That’s the real sales success. Good on Toyota for having the fore sight not to take Holden head on. Unfortunately your big Aussie hero only really has one ace up its sleeve, and that’s going to really, really hurt them in the long term.

Toyota have only recently overtaken Holden in sales largely due to

peoples mis-conception of big 6 cylinder being a big thirsty thing,

I’d hardly say it’s a misconception. My XR6T gets 17.7 lt to 100 kilometres! My XT Falcon before that would be lucky to get 15 litres. And guess what big fella, I don’t drive my car every day!

i have not once been in a Toyota capable of chewing up the K’s like a Commodore or Falcon
can do, the fact that you drive an XR6T daily you would realise this.

Try a Tarago and then you’ll find out why virtually every rock band in the world has at least one in their touring entourage. Effortless torque regardless of the load it’s carrying. And in fact, the ‘rolla ain’t so bad either! Oh and the only time I do genuinely enjoy the Turbo is on interstate trips, but that’s only 2 times a year.

You purchase your girlfriends Carolla and let me know just how much room you have

left after you put a child seat, two adults and a second child, while your at

it throw in the weekly shopping. GOODLUCK!

Actually mate, my old Pulsar SSS had the biggest boot of any car I’ve had. Not a ‘rolla but a similar sized car none the less. A lot easier to park too! I sternly hope you haven’t bred either. I for one don’t have children. Also my dad had virtually every Falcon from the XE to the EF as a company car and a few Commodores as well. I’ve owned 2 Falcons and a Commodore and the quality has been a little average to say the least, compared to the Japanese cars. So at least the car won’t fall apart around the shopping.

Also about them being slow in a few years? Is this compared to the newer models released? or your corolla, with each model there is an inevitable power increase as with most cars but obviously not Toyota’s!

Toyota make their newer cars to better meet their users needs as lifestyles change. Holden, especially HSV, just power everything up until a 3yo HSV is worth virtually nothing. My friend has just bought a 2003 HSV Clubsport R8 for $43K that was approx $75 3 years ago. Something tells me kind sir, Toyotas tend to hold their values a little bit better.

Good Day yourself, i’ll take the safety of my large family car anyday."

What’s your measurement of safety? You’ll probably find you’re loosing out their too unless you’re talking about the VE Commodore which will be the first to be built from scratch to international standards! Unlike, kind sir, the Toyotas.

Anyway, it sounds like this bloke hasn’t experienced any other cars to get some perspective. Albeit I drive the Falcon Turbo (Because I can. You can mostly thank Peter Costello’s taxation rules for that), size don’t make the best family car baby! Usability, intelligent design, good resale value, nimbleness and build quality can play a very big part as well. If you’ve ever sat in the Pug or the VW, you’d realise how well they make use of small space compared to the Falcon anyway, which because of the C pillar you can fit any decent size objects in. So as you’ve probably heard from the girls before, it’s now how big it is, it’s what you do with it!

But hey I tell you what Mr Anonymous, why not for homework drive a Peugeot 306, a Corolla Sportivo and a VW Golf and tell me that they still aren’t family cars.

Kind regards,

Mr loser.

It’s been a little hard not to notice. But as per usual, there’s so much going on that everyone’s typically blaseé, going about their daily life. The amount of ‘for lease’ signs and ‘closing down sales’ on Toorak Road South Yarra is unbelievable.  It was only when I was buying my coffee from one of the two remaining milk bars, that the shop owner said that the rent on the strip is just too much.

So if a tree falls down, doesn’t another grow? Well apparently no. Even one pub has shut down in the past two years (how the hell can a pub in South Yarra be low on business). If it was Chapel St, a poncy boutique would be up within seconds. Toorak Road is proving not so trendy or resilient. Even the upper crust boutiquey stuff can’t really compete with Toorak Village. Or for that matter, Brunswick St. Looks like the local shop owners haven’t really been keeping hip to the times. Frankly, I can think of about 10 vacant shops on Toorak Road for let at the moment:

- the old Potts Bakery
- two shops next to Potts.
- the old aquarium
- the old pub
- the old Saba outlet
- a vacant shop next to Beyond 2000 gifts
- the Comic Mint (now with a tenant)
- the old National Bank
- some former gift shop

Hopefully it will present a unique opportunity for South Yarra. If the shop owners drop the rent, hopefully there might be somewhere decent and not too poncy to eat. I don’t mean like McDonalds, but just a Brunswick St Fitzroy style cafe, instead of the a la Bill Granger $30 Croque Monsieur with frittata (OK I made that up) stuff the cafes are churning out at the moment. Please someone get in there and do something! The place is starting to look like Boronia before they made the train tunnel.

If you go to www.mininova.org, a bittorrent site found out of the ruins of suprnova.org, National Australia Bank (NAB) have 2 banner ads on the front page! Yup that’s your hard earned money gone in bank fees to pay for banner ads on questionable web sites! I wonder if they actually know or care that there bank is being promoted on such a site?!

In case you don’t know what’s going on, let me explain. NAB, like any other bank, are capitalist bastards. Mininova is like a content pimp that provides sources for dubious content, that if you know what your’e doing, you can download it. Not all of it’s dubious. But not everyone in jail is a criminal either. Is this the bank’s ethics on display? We don’t care where we advertise, just give us big sites and Aussies and we don’t care about the rest? If a bestiality site met this criteria, would they advertise on it? It makes you wonder. . .

Really it’s like the catholic church promoting sermons on the panty liners of prozzies! Suffer in ya jocks NAB. You’ve been shafted!

The Family Guy has been on TV for several years now since the late 90s. Despite a big hiatus, some 150,000 Americans petitioned the Fox Network, and wouldn’t you know it, they got their way! There’s a reason for the madness too, infact several.

OK, the rant starts here. There’s nothing on television. Everyone knows that. Yes Rove, you’re king of variety television, because there is no one between you and Bert Newton - NO ONE! And let’s face it, when Burt Newton gets all old school and misogynistic, you know he’s harmless without his hair piece and his viagra. Surely these guys know they’re no good.

Furthermore, since the Eddie McGuire franchise moved in, there’s no part of TV that can’t be bought. Why pay a production company for a risky sitcom that could be too highbrow, when you can buy some reality TV crap pre-heated with a just add water audience? You can’t loose baby! And before you even sell ads, you’ve made the real money, in product placement.

So yes, in two paragraphs the mediocrity of Australian television has been summed up. Just about anyone could do it. The writings on the wall. There’s just too few people in front of the camera and waaaay to few people calling the shots behind them. Well at least Ray Martin’s gone. Chalk one up for Hayward . . .

How the hell does The Family Guy fit into this rant? It may well be the only last form of wit, parody and genuine satire left on Television anywhere, let alone network TV.

Firstly, this ain’t no Simpsons. The Family Guy is unashably a cartoon for adults, with no subtlety for censors. Women get hit, minorities cop it, real celebrities and crappy products cop it sweet. As far as I know, this may be the only program on TV, let alone the Fox Network with script writers that actually get to say what they want - animated or not!

Next you have to love the non sequitor. Constant digressions to complete and utter nonsense in the characters’ lives, movies and parodies of TV shows.

For example, this tidbit from Season 4, episode 1:

Peter Griffin: I am so clever! That’s why they picked me to convince congress to go to war . . .
[scene changes to a congressional meeting at The White House]
Speaker: there’s no just cause for invasion of Iraq
Peter Griffin: Well that may be. But what we’re all forgetting is, anyone that doesn’t want to go to war. . . is gay
Sitting Congressman: I wanna go to war!
[whole of congress murmurs in favour or war]
Second Congressman at podium: [angry] I was the first one who wanted to go to war!

Thirdly, there’s always room for freaks. Stewie Griffin, the baby of the family, not only speaks but has a villianeous British accent. After all, they are American and the bad guys are always the English. Not bad for someone barely an infant. And what better match for a bisexual, villaneous baby than an alcohic dog. There are simply no bounds and there’s nothing sacred.

Further expanding on the last point, they mock real products in such a libelous way, i’d hate to be a lawyer for the network. But god I love watching it. One thing’s for certain, no one in Hollywood would be stupid enough to approach these guys to you know, tie in this episode with the launch of their new car. They’d cop it from here to kingdom come . . . and thank god someone’s doing it.

While the Family Guy can be absolutely ridiculous to the extreme, there are some references to the golden age of television, in a high art kind of way. A wikipedia article on the show suggests that creator Seth Macfarlane was very much inspired by Jackie Gleeson and The Honeymooners from the 50s. Infact the sex crazed character Quagmire is meant to be the epitome of the 50s Playboy. Whilst I for one am not really au fait with the golden age, there’s a certain quality to the characters the schtick and the occaisonal high art homages to Gleeson. Stewie’s character has also made many subtle references to the Kubrick movie, The Shining. Very nerdy, but very cool. So yes, this is a show for the trainspotters and history buffs.

Anyway hohning back to the original point about the mediocrity of television today, The Family Guy really has no competiton. Even spin off show American Dad hasn’t helped kick my addiction. It’s a less absurd crtique of a very security obsessed and neurotic America post 911. Kinda like a private joke you just don’t get. You just don’t feel a part of the hyperbole and can’t relate to it as easily as you can with Family Guy. Aside from that, you can only see so many episodes of The Simpsons in 15 odd years. And we’ve already worked out all the historical and cultural references. And never have they come as thick and fast than with the Family Guy.

In conclusion, Tim Rogers once said live in the intro to his song Letter for Gene "when I was a kid, my dad wouldn’t let me join the Kiss Army. There have been no notable side effects, but the urge to drink seven UDL gin and tonics before breakfast". Timmy, I feel the same way about the Family Guy. Just like Kiss in the seventies, this show’s more than a great distraction it’s an institution. Main character Peter Griffin is the antithesis of real life Eddie McGuire, and if you ask me all all out body of text. Time to watch a few more episode before bed . . .

With this wikipedia article on the bogan, a new colloquialism is born. It’s about time that people recognised they’re not bogans, they’re not metros, they’re bogäns. The Stupid fuckers. Anyway, read it, comment on it, add to it.  Be proud to be a bogän!