The world adores matt hayward

Well I’m flabbergasted. The Melbourne Motorshow was actually bloody fantastic! A little something for everyone. If you want a highlight, it has to be the Bolwell Nagari. Why? Because it’s an Aussie kit car with true heritage and unlike the Evo Rex brigade, it may not be around for long. It has absolute classic potential. So I was sure to grab a brochure for future eBay investment. Not that you would want it to die, it looked fantastic - truly.

Second bigbest highlight had to be the Ford stand. I’m loathed to admit I’m a bit of a Ford man and you couldn’t pick a better year to go if you are. All the new XRs, G series Fords and Mondeos are on display and you can have a sit. Oh yeah and the FPVs. Especially the FPVs were a highlight to have a sit in. Oh what a great year for Fords. Seriously, they’re great looking cars. Although it looks like Ford haven’t resolved the driver’s seating positioning problems in the FG. But we won’t truly know until it can be driven.

Stands you can walk straight past are the Holden and BMW stands. Don’t think you missed the Mercedes stand, because this year they couldn’t be bothered. Truly, they couldn’t give a rat’s arse about Melbourne, so neither should you about Mercedes. The other two are basically shopping centre car parks, full of shapes and colours you’re already pretty familiar with.

You can sit in most of the Audi range and the R8 is on display too, which would’ve been an even bigger highlight if there wasn’t one parked on the street the other day. Perks of inner city living! The A5 is there too and that is truly breathtaking enough. Oh that V10 wagon is there somewhere too. Also had a sit in five, count ‘em FIVE Alfa Romeos. Awesome.

Biggest surprise display was the Range Rover modifiers stand Long Horn(?) who have two utterly pimped out Range Rovers on display, one dumped on its guts! They seriously look like they should be in Ben Cousins’ driveway.

Biggest exploiters of bright, shiny objects this year were Toyota. They basically had nothing new to show you. So they brought along a drag car with a 2JZ GTE engine, massively turbo charged and the hybrid Supra concept. But apart from that, tampons would be more interesting quite frankly than most other product on their stand.

Most underwhelming were the GTR and the Evo. It’s hard to explain why, but the GTR somehow has lost its Skyline heritage and kind of looks like a Porsche. So you can guarantee it’s now squarely in the realm of accountants and dentists, not speed freaks and drug dealers.

Anyway every other Melbourne motor show I’ve been to in recent memory has absolutely sucked arse. This one is a real experience and well worth the price of admission.

Well fuck me if the Convulsions just aren’t getting tighter and tighter. You’d need a micrometer just to measure the tightness between these guys now. They’re so tight musically you could throw a keg load of beer on stage and never see amber liquid hit the ground. OK, dodgey metaphors aside, the guys kicked Melbourne arse and took names tonight. I started watching the riff-tastic band on after them, but meh, i’d had my fill on the Convulsions.

Newest addition to the fray, Juzzie the drummer is fighting in really well. He makes me wonder how the band ever got by without him, blasting away on the double kick pedal. One thing’s for certain though, tonight I felt like I saw Johnny and Dee Dee Ramone incarnate. Not three dudes from Geelong. It was just one big blur of down picking wrists, tight guitar and trembling bass to the shriek of Wayne screaming his guts out, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. There’s a bit of Aussie underground rock in there too (especially the Lobby Loyde cover), plus a healthy dose of The Melvins bunged in for good measure too.

This was their second gig at the Espy, though the first in the new public bar. I dare say it wont be their last. I don’t wanna jinx the boys, but they’re getting to a level of professionalism that deserves a devout following, and hopefully more Melbourne (and interstate) gigs. All the best for the Adelaide gigs boys.

Saw this show at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival the other week. Let me just tell you, there’s NEVER been more thruth in advertising than in this show. It had levels of nudity that would make the likes of Iggy Pop blush. And while there’s a point to the racism angle which I won’t spoil, it certainly lived up to that front too.

Now onto the actor himself. Phil Nichol is a Canadian that’s more than had his fill of illicit substances. In fact this whole 1 hour show is based around a four day bender he took in Amsterdam. And Nichol stops at nothing to immerse you in his experiences, including live music, running into the audience, renditions of magic mushroom trips, you name it. We were second from the front. Unfortunately for the poor sods in the front row, they were showered in Nichol sweat!

Within 20 minutes of getting on stage, he’s in need of a change of clothes and the pace only crescendos from there! Basically he screams and rants, galavants around on and off stage, and can get very, very wierd - and very, very naked. So if that’s your kind of thing.

For those of you who prefer a stage show like performance, with a plot but plenty of spontinaeity you might want to give this one a crack. It certainly isn’t your take the piss out of whoever sits in the front row, tell some one liners kind of stand up. There’s a plot, there’s a will and there’s definitely a method to his truly out there madness. If you can stand warts and all punk rock, this show is for you. Otherwise, maybe go see Hughesy.

Well Easter certainly was better spent than sitting around the house, arsing about eating chocolate. Bathurst put on a great little 3 dayer of motorsport, without a V8 McSupercar in sight. The only dissapointment being the car i’d driven 800 kilometres to see (the XR6 Turbo) only get a measly 14th outright placing. Here’s the final rankings.

What was the Bathurst International Motorsport Festival? Well there were a few races, Commodore Cup, classic racers, GT cup and of course the Production Car 12 hour. Surprisingly all were cool and good in their own way. Even the Commodore Cup was actually awesome to watch. My personal fav was the classic cars, because with their crappy old brakes and old fashioned grunt (mostly Mustangs, Mazda rotaries and XU1 Toranas) really keep you on your toes. One Mustang left the most bad arsed black skid mark on a ripple strip after oversteering through a corner the driver must’ve crapped himself!

For bragging rights though the GT cup, full of Lamborginis and Porsche GT3s owned. We got a great spot just coming off of Conrod straight where these exotics really had to break, so you got the full aural spectrum. Surprisingly the Lambo Gallardo (when driven hard) sounds like a John Deere tractor changing down; the Ferrari F430 literally farted between gearshifts and the Porsches, were well just, Porsches. Driven by Porsche drivers. Basically a big helping of beige with some creamy beige sauce.

Speaking of aural senstations, the Production Cars didn’t dissapoint. Well except for a Diesel Alfa Romeo that seemed to be running on wind because there was no engine noise whatsoever. Funnily, a few old Celicas were brapping their way around the track, revving their tits off, sounding the way an Alfa used to! So too an old Honda Integra Type R. Bloody brilliant. It was worth the drive just to see this variety of cars, old and new, racing at once.

An old Ford Falcon TE 50, which sadly didn’t finish sounded simply awesome! A delicious rich V8 burble you wish you could bottle and age. Not so an old VY SS Commodore. It just sounded muted and dull. The XR6 Turbos, sadly, didn’t sound so great. The Typhoon F6 version though sounded like Sir Michael Mouse the Third. Quite simply, it was god!

If you’re thinking of going up (if it happens again) next year, Saturday really is the main day. After all, everyone has to drive home on the Sunday! It’s just chock-a-block racing. There were a few wanky glory laps of hot cars and classic motorbikes around the track, not actually racing. Nonetheless if was great eye candy and pretty cool.

Also there was a dirt track for the Crusty Demon motorbike dudes doing jumps and tricks. Having said that, I don’t think they were THE Crusty Demons, but they were bloody good - especially for free!

What really sucked though was I swear this event was run by communists. Because they seeminly had NO interest in getting money. There were canteens closed, no EFTPOS or ATM facilities, very few Mr Whippy vans or Concession stands and only one Jack Daniels sponsored bar (that wasn’t really accessible. It was a 10 minute walk wherever you were) serving booze. So if you do come, come cashed up. Because otherwise you’ll have to get a pass out and go back into town.

Would I go again?
Hell yeah! For $55 for 3 days, despite the Communist proliteriat giving me the shits, it was just fantastic. The crowd isn’t too bogany and the racing is just awesome. You can access at least half of the track (you can even camp there) and see some great thrills and spills and diversity in motorsport.

Only recommendation is book hotel accomodation in advance or camp. Because I had to stay in the most expensive, misery guts, crappy motel of my life - AND paid 5 times more than mates who stayed in pubs at around $25 a night each.

Roadtrip tips
Best meals of the trip were the Knickerbocker Hotel in Bathurst (massive steaks and a great seafood platter). They serve the pub grub of country legend. For lunch the best was the Cowra Smokehouse, which served a lamp wrap worth marrying.

This is a lazy review so I warn you in advance. Danny Bhoy was brilliant. in fact I had no idea he was Scottish. Like most, I assumed that he was Irish. James Byrne on the other hand was well and truly Irish! If you had to pick one over the other, i’d probably say Danny Bhoy, because he was a bit less hyer, more suave and has a lot more structure to his shows. Although well and truly funny, Byrne for the most part picked on two 14 year old kids in the front row for half the show!

So there you go. Both are great. If you like your Bobcat Goldthaite, hyperactive, schitzo comedy with an Irish tinge, catch David Byrne next time you’re out. If you like it a bit more polished, Danny’s your man.  But for the here and now, of the 4 shows i’ve seen this time around (Spymonkeys, James Byrne, Danny Bhoy and Demetri Martin) Demetri and Danny Bhoy are an equal first place.

Both fantastic. Four out of 5 stars each!

Not a bad show. First of all this production must’ve been written around the time Austin Powers first came out. Because there’s a few derivations to that movie in the music score selected and the period in which the show is set.

Basically this is your typical play/pantomine where the innocent girl gets sent to a haunted house with various eccentricities along the way. If it was just the plot that this show was about it would be left lacking. Thankfully there are some marvellous non sequitors and stuff thrown in there just too keep things hilarious. And so in being hilarious when you least expect it, oh yes they do succeed!

I wouldn’t know where to start describing all the stuff that happens in this panto for no reason, an eccentric butler, a percussion scene,  a naked ballet scene with full bollock nudity (no ladies not sexy men, just sweaty hairy bollocks) , at least one pop dance number and  [simulated] ping pong balls fired out of vaginas, oh and the obligatory fart jokes. All the good stuff!

The other thing they do really well is just plain pissweak kitsch stuff. For some reason they decided to throw in a Kung Fu fight scene, complete with pissweak obvious ropes and bogus punches. They also get good laughs with cardboard cutout cars and cheap sight gags. Which while they’re cheap and cute or whatever is exactly what theatre is all about.

It doesn’t make sense if you explain it like that, but in its entirity, it all comes together hilariously well. If you can dig the full theatre, pantomine thing, with just four actors and like a bit of naughty comedy (meaning you’re English) this one’s for you. A very witty, panto that’s not for those with weak bladders! There are just too many good moments!

Full show information is here.

Honestly I didn’t know what to expect with this show. The gf bought the tickets and I just went along. This was apparently the first time this show’s ever been done, and I was bloody glad to still see it with all the glitches in tact too.

Demetri’s a cool guy. He’s from New Jersey so has some unfortunate Ray Romano Everybody Hates Raymond tinges about him, mostly in his appearance and accent. But with this show, he’s combined deadpan Steven Wright style one liners, Dr Katz style psychiatry comedy and a big dose of self deprecation. And you know what? For the most part it’s come off pretty well.

Not your typical stand up show (though apparently he’s doing that too), Demetri takes us through a production featuring music, animated segments and even puppetry as we journey through the 5 most traumatic experiences of his life according to Dr Parrot, his psychiatrist. Having said that it’s not too high brow and it’s a cute little show. While there’s indulgent musical moments, there’s also plenty of laugh out loud, self deprecating moments as we journey through real dorky photos of Demetri’s childhood.

What made it absolutely hilarious though was during one of the animated segments, his Apple laptop ran out of power (must’ve knocked the lead out) and it popped up a ‘this slideshow will stop until you can put the power plug back in’ message. So taking it in stride, he’s plugged in the power, said some colourful langauge and resumed the amination but this time with directors commentary! He was really cool and professional about the whole thing. Which was pretty cool considering the show already started 1 hour late! But that’s all opening night jitters that should well and truly be ironed out in future performances.

Suffice it to say, it has to be at least the cleverest show at the Melbourne Comedy Festival. And with repeat performances, it may well end up being one of the best. Here’s full information on Demetri Martin, Dr Earnest Parrot Presents Demetri Martin.

Basically not a bad night at the theatre. Ray’s Tempest is a slightly jingoistic story of a middle aged bloke with a terminal heart condition. His career and family are in tatters and he’s on his absolute last chance both health and career wise. He decides to go down a fierce redemption path to get both back on track before his number ultimately comes up.

When he starts making sales again at work through absolute sympathy selling, his manager suggests that he applies for a reality TV show where 5 terminally ill contestants play for the prize of their last wish. That is whatever the winning contestant  wants to the value of $1M. Black enough theme for a reality TV show? You betcha!

Ultimately Ray’s journey through celebrity draws parallel with the family members caught up in his dysfunction, primarily his song and ex-wife. Ray is a likeable and even charming character, but as the story evolves we find he is a weak, weak man and his newfound celebrity wont change his shortcomings.

A few reasons why you would see this play is because the inimitable Kym Gyngell puts in a stellar performance as the drunkard best friend of Ray. The mise en scene is excellent. With only seven actors always on stage, it’s an amazing production to watch as actors not playing a role in the scene act as stagehands moving props around. The stage itself remained fairly static but was really well designed, with crazy water features and excellent lighting.

All in all though, there wasn’t enough black comedy and too much pathos for my taste. About 7 out of 10. But if dysfunction family drama with a twist is your thing, check it out.

So I live in cutesy South Yarra. It’s on the eastern side of the Yarra river and very close to town. That’s why the games have been good. Because to avoid the Commonwealth Games, I decided to walk into work. So i’m ahead about $90 in train tickets and a little bit more fit from walking about 7 kilometres a day round trip.

In case you’re wondering, yup it’s been noisey. I can’t think of one day that I haven’t woken up to a helicopter. For a no-fly zone, there’s certianly about 10 times more choppers than normal. There have been cops through the normally quiet Botanical Gardens en masse. Patrol cars doing laps and motorcycle cops in threes riding around.

Because plenty of roads have been cordened off or closed off all together, and all the kids have been on school holidays, most things have been quiet. My local cafe where I grab a morning take away has been virtually empty. Usually it’s buzzing with little Melbourne Grammar girls sipping lattes. Late this afternoon, I jumped a cab and the cabbie said that he’s lost a fair bit of cash over the past two weeks because of the games. It seems to be a recurring theme if you watch the news too. Although these are the only two examples I can cite. Seems the fear of games crowds has scared everybody off . . .

Aside from the Police and aural intrusion thankfully I managed to take in absolutely 0 of all the events.  It would’ve been nice to see Paul Kelly play at the finale but meh, i’ve never cared enough to see him before today. Apart from that, yesterday I was driving home down the Eastern Freeway and the whole city horizon was lit up like a Christmas tree at night with the closing ceremony fireworks. Hey I am not a sports fan anyway. And the ‘Stolenwealth’ games as one protestor’s placard put it, didn’t exactly get me in the spirit.

Overall it’s a resoundinf feeling of indifference though. Let’s face it, the Commonwealth is a defunct institution. Whilst the Olympic spirit stirs up blood in the nether regions, the old we’re a bunch of convicts born into a Commonwealth of even more convict nations just plain irritates me. Wars have never stopped because of the Commonweath games as far as I know. Maybe we can all get together and kill off England in a kind of pseudo Olympic spirit!

Now I am looking forward to the Gran Prix. The track is less than a kilometre away. So I think I should hear a lot of that. But in all honesty, that’s a welcome intrusion in the morning. You know, the whole engines tuned to absolute perfection revving off of their rocker going round in circles kinda does it for me!

Well the old man upstairs certainly put on a good Sunday for it this year. The weather in Rutherglen was absolutely superb. Albeit not a centralised food and wine festival such as those at Werribee and Hanging Rock, each winery certainly made a go of it.

In a nutshell, for $5 you bought yourself a tasting glass. And for that, at every winery you go to, you can taste to your heart’s content - and that we did. If you like what you taste and fancy a bite, then you can have a meal and a glass of wine for $15. Each winery putting on a meal that suited their vino. Sounds good? Well keep reading!

Rutherglen is more known for it’s ports, muscats and a tannic little monster called Durif, kind of pronounced (Deau-reef). Until now i’ve had very little to do with this. But opportunities like this come only once.  Durif is also known as Petit Syrah in the US of A because it’s made of tiny Syrah (Shiraz) grapes with really thick skins. This gives you a wine can be up to twice as tannic as a normal read that’s very full bodied and can mature easily for up to 20 years. So there were plenty of gruff reds going around.

First stop was Buller Wines. Frankly these guys did nothing for me with some not-so-peppery, not so fruity Shiraz. But hey, you be the judge of your own pallette. You could tell the quality was there in their wines though and they put on a pretty good show. Although their sushi meal for $15 was downright average. Room for improvement next year!

Next stop, Cofield wines, and what a result! These guys had a great history in the region and were very much the family business. Four brothers and the old man all on site plugging away. They had a pretty good selection of wines too no less. And definitely the most extensive range of Durifs and Shiraz in the region, and some great fruity whites. So I bought a bottle of their Jess Sauv Blanc, a cleanskin Petit Verdot and a Cab Sauv. Their meal was a fantastic little Barbequed Kangaroo and mango chutney thing with a Sparkling Shiraz which went down a treat!

G Sunderland Smith and Sons were among the oldest and most reputable in the region. Also the most ramshakle, despite being one of the first winemakers in Australia to ever win an international award. They had their tastings in an old shed down a dirt road and it really could’ve been done with a bit more panache. Anyway their wines definitely weren’t a let down and that’s what matters.

Finally All Saints estate certainly was a great way to end the day. Their castle has a reception centre and both wine tastings and a cheese shop. So we finished off with a glass of their Chardonnay and a cheese plate. Nothing to fault here. Definitely the highlight of the day. The vino is definitely on par as well and I ended up taking home their exceptional Bordeaux red, simply named the Pierre.

Because it’s a decentralised festival, you do have to drive from one winery to the next. Though they’re not far apart and it’s all the more fun that way anyway. Every winery had free breath testing machines and tea and coffee for designated drivers. So it was very well prepared.

Just let it be said that Rutherglen is a 3 hour drive from Melbourne one way! So be prepared for 6 hours driving or book a Hotel room early. But most importantly get in there and enjoy. Well worth the drive up!

Web links

Rutherglen visitor info site - Details all the wineries in the regions, how to get there, accomodation, everything!