The world adores matt hayward

Jamon is what eating out should be all about. It’s minimalist, small and cosy and exceptionally good.

Unlike most restaurants, the chef is right in front of you. For the real experience, you can sit at the Sashimi bar and watch your meal unfold before you. As far as size goes, if they had 20 people in they’d be packed. So you’re always assured coziness and personalised service.

There are no menus here, which is fantastic! The bloke who owns the place is the chef and has been doing Jamon since ‘97. So he knows by the look on your face whether you like it or not. If you like it, the next course will build up on that ingredient. If not, you don’t see it again. So you’re not locked into a set menu.

Fortunately too, if an ingredient is below average or out of season, he won’t stock it. Chef only stocks absolute minimal quantities of fresh ingredients. Often regulars are SMSed to tell them that their favourite ingredient is in and mightn’t be this good again for many months, so get in quick! Suffice it to say what’s on offer changes regularly, as opposed to getting masses of frozen food in.

As far as $ go, there’s a regular, deluxe or gourmet set price. Regular is $55 a head. We must’ve had about 7 or 8 courses of sashimi and rolls all made to our palletes in front of us. The regular was so sumptuous that the gourmet must be pure sin. We left absolutely full as a boot, no room for desert.

Worth noting is regardless of whether you’re coming for a good time, or a long time, tell the chef. He’ll time the courses accordingly so you’re on the way to your show no probs.

From memory, I think the gourmet set menu was about $100 a head. That’s all the sublime shellfish and what have you. Likewise they have a wine list that caters from good local pinots and Sauv Blancs right up to great Traminers and top shelf French stuff for the gourmet foodies.

Frankly you can’t fault this place. If you like a bit of spontinaeity, trying new combinations and ingredients and have a Japanese bent, come here. You’ll have trouble leaving.

Absolutely 6 out of 5. Best dining experience in a long bloody time.

A downright dissapointment. My girlfriend told me that this place was a real, home cooking style Japanese restaurant experience.

While the food wasn’t bad, they didn’t have many covers for the night (probably about 20 while we were there, on a Saturday) and we waited ages for the entree. And when food did come, we got our mains before Sashimi entrees because the sushi chef was too busy. For some reason, the staff were just out to lunch. Hopefully we caught them on a bad night. It sounded like one of their chefs walked out on them.

They should be commended for their liberal use of organic veges and the food was at least on par with Misuzus and Eis down the road - though Eis is still king.

3.5 out of 5. Fuck epicure magazine.

Last night for a bit of pre-show dinner, we decided to go to Tutto Bene for a risotto. Now normally risotto conjures up images of big, hearty bowls full of arborio rice, meat and veg you can eat till your arteries clog up. But oh no, not at Tuttos! The main rissoto sizes (for the money) are entree size at best. On average about $18 a plate. More for mains.

Admitedly, the risottos are ‘all that’. I had the El Presidente, so called because it’s a simple risotto created for a visiting Italian president. Chock full of expensive cheese and the best balsamic. But your stomach shouldn’t growl when your having coffee at dessert. You can simply fuck that with a ten foot barge pole Mr President. The Missus had a squal risotto which was sublime, but the Presidente was the pick.

As always service and ambience can turn tap water into wine. At least on the service front ‘Bene can kiss my pale white arse. When we were paying the bill, the head waiter was too pre-occupied with his stapler to even talk. Also it was 5.55 when I arrived and they opened at 6. Head waiter bloke, wouldn’t even let me have a beer at my table! We’d already booked a table, it wasn’t like I would be putting anybody out! The table staff were OK though, considering how busy it was.

Some people will skimp on good service and a full belly for a good feed, but this place belongs in the yarra, not next to it. Serve bigger servings and get a new head waiter (he may’ve been the owner) or get ‘the fuck outta Dodge’.

What can’t be said about Circa. It simply excels in virtually all accolades.

First and foremost, they had at least 20 different selections of Chablis on the wine list. If you’ve read any of these posts, you know i’d sell my left testicle for a decent bottle of Premiere Cru. And they had it by the crate load! Their wine guy taught me a thing or three about the variety as well. Like Transport in Fed Square and plenty of places now, they had the wine FOLDER, not the wine list - and god bless them for it! Fortunately they had a Chablis Premiere Cru by the glass. $23 a pop but after two glasses you feel like you’ve been to Bordeaux.

One thing that I didn’t really get into was the ambience. It was a little too Sydney. Admitedly, I was facing window, looking at the bay and not the restaurant, but the minimalistic yet opulent decorum and upbeat mood music had me a little jumpy. This could be worked on.

Our mains were absolutely superb. I had a Moroccan inspired seafood combination dish on some huge cous cous that was far and away the best meal i’ve had in a while. There was some Mullet, some fish from WA and tiny mussels in the shell that compliented the tangine sauce beautifully. One thing is for certain, this was a reassuringly expensive meal, well worth the money. For you won’t find anything comparable to this dish just anywhere. The missus had something not too bad, but for once, I was the one that got lucky with the menu! This cous cous is far and away should be their trade mark.

Desert was a chocolate pudding, with a jaffa sauce filling, made fresh and piping hot. I found it a little dry, but especially on a winters night, what a great finish.

All in all, all the floor staff were down to earth, really knew what they were talking about and extremely top shelf. An expensive night, but also a content one. Circa is worth every cent! 5 out of 5, er, ’stars’.

Eis
188 Bridport St, Albert Park
(03) 9645-7448

Misuzu’s
7 Victoria Ave, Albert Park
(03) 9699-9022

Albert Park sucks. It’s a myriad of inheritance friendly, rich folk who think they’re special because they can wear their collar up and hang out in a beachside suburb. The wank factor is at a stellar high. It’s enough to make you cringe into nautiousness. But wait, the food’s not that bad.

Everything is typically up market, with your patisseries and L’Oustral that we’ve reviewed before and snobby pubs with Champagne lounges. Even an old school burger joint. But what brings us back to the bourgeois today are two great Japanese restaurants within earshot of each other.

Misuzus is hot. It’s fullish most every weeknight with solarium tanned yuppies, rather than yellow skins and round faces that are the true indication of a geniune, quality Asian fare. EIS (I think pronounced ‘ice’) a few years down the track and not so packed. Both have exceptional fare, but there’s only one clear winner.

Misuzus have a fantastic wine list. Including my favourite Chablis and some nice Spanish and Italian reds. They can safely brag the only salad bar I have drooled over ever! The walls are adorned with Japanese murals full of double entendres and the background lesbian bathing fest. Despite all this though, the food wasn’t terribly remarkable or adventurous. The servings are generous. Most eat only one dish. This seems to suit most gaijins to the ground, but gone is the adventure and subtlety of selecting several causes to tantalise the pallette. It didn’t do much for me.

EIS is far more adventurous. Sure they don’t have lesbians painted on the walls. They are however adorned corner to corner with a fine selection of well enjoyed, empty wine bottles. There is a great fusion of Japanese tranquility and French flavours. No Chablis, but they make up for it by matching wine to their courses excellently. Unlike Misuzu’s there was a most memorable Carpaccio, which was gently seared salmon slices in Italian/French style sauces. Not an all you can eat, but something special, contemporary and especially different.

Servings are French inspired, because they’re on the small side, but it suits the cuisine and it means you can try more. Staff are way more nice and friendly too, far more ‘omoshiroi’.

So if you drive an ageing 80s BMW like it’s a brand new Rolls Royce and wear your collar up without and reference to ‘the Fonz’, go spend your inheritance at Misuzu’s. You’ll be well fed and in good company. If you’re not with the go set, and appreciate the subtleties of Japanese and Italian, i’ll probably see you at EIS, because I can’t wait to get back.

It’s good to find something in a trendy area that’s not overhyped and so unique. No Wabi Sabi is not a salon, it’s a smallish restaurant on the often skanky Smith St. But Wabi is all the good things about Smith St and none of the freaky and scary. One thing that shines through is it’s a real Japanese restaurant in a warm, convivial atnosphere that’s perfect for an intimate night or to take your friends for after work drinks. Even the waitresses are cute!

This place quite simply just rocks. For about $18, you get a 3 dish main course. Their sashimi is fresh and top notch. Servings are generous and just plain hard to fault. For two of us, we spent approx $65 (no alcohol purchased) and had a far better experience than Taxi at some four times that! The only thing you could fault is they could perhaps have a better wine list, but the sake list was reasonably compreshensive.

If only there were more places like this. 5 out of 5.

Who would believe that Taxi, the new ‘Japanese Inspired’ restaurant in Melbourne’s nouveau heartland of Fed’ Square would fail to impress?

First of all it’s not all bad. The service at Fed Square is phenomenal. You may have 3 or 4 waiters all night, but their communication is exceptional. Secondly their wine list is definitely up to par. Sure they didn’t have my favourite Chablis, but plenty of unwooded Chardonnays and organic wines. What did suck however was the food.

Second disclaimer for this blasting is, I love raw beef. Whether it’s Japanese Gyuu Tataki or French steak tartare, you know a good restaurant by their willingness to serve something raw. This was a stumbling block for Taxi.

For entree, we had some gyoza dumplings that were superb, and what I was hoping would be even better a wagyu beef teaser. Now bear in mind Wagyu is meant to be beef so tender that it will melt in your m0uth. Fat is so readily through the meat it looks like marble and is so fine it melts instantly in the pan and becomes very lean, easy to chew meat. Suffice it to say, their wagyu was rubbery! It was a bloody travesty. I’ve had better beef in Japanese cafes that didn’t even claim to be Wagyu.

One thing’s for certain, down the road at Movida’s their Wagyu beef was the real McCoy.

My girlfriend had a main of green tea Soba noodles and salmon which was indeed sublime. I had the special du jour of a rabbit leg with shitake mushrooms and a lumpy mash. It was described as very ‘gamey’ in flavour. I think Ladros had them licked. It was nice, but quite literally the mash was too lumpy (was this intentional I don’t know) and i’ve had far better rabbit at L’oustral. For a ‘Japanese inspired’ restaurant and the lay it might be interesting, but there’s far better out there. I expected far more.

In closing I also have one question for the staff. Why do they use such cheap, shitty, flimsy chopsticks? They give you these cheap, weightless, plasticy things that a Japanese would never dare serve food in their own house with.

Taxi gets 3.5 out of 5. Excellent service and staff, but the food’s just not that remarkable.

If you read the Epicurean section of The Age in Melbourne or pretend to have a clue, no doubt you would’ve seen all the trendy pizza restaurants emerging lately. They’re in urban heartlands, they do toppings and combinations you haven’t dreampt of before and are all representative of the new coming of pizza.

They’re doing their best to form a high expectation and make life difficult for you. You either can’t book to get in (eg I Carusi), have to book weeks in advance or have to be squeezed in some corner where the bar staff pity you. But is it all good? Well over the past few months I can tell you my favourite pizza joint hasn’t changed and there is a clear loser.

Mr Wolf is the most overhyped, straight out of Sydney, contrived pizza experience i’ve ever been subjected to. It’s uber metro and plush, but overly noisy and the staff rush you. I lost count how many times my water was topped up or table unnecessarily cleared; not what you’d call and intimate experience. Although to some people’s liking, these pizzas are oily! I’m assured it’s ‘good oil’ but not a good experience. You feel like you’ve done shift work by the time you pay the cheque.

Ladro’s, in the heart of Collingwood, however does live up to expectation. You may be waiting literally hours without a booking though, but you will be rewarded. Their mains (such as a goat stew) are to die for. While the pizzas certainly aren’t below par, the special of the day will no doubt be special far longer in the minds of the lucky consumer. A lot brighter and more cosmo than metro inside. Feels a lot more Melbourne than Sydney (don’t you wish you could bottle it?!). Make sure you book well in advance and don’t eat all day.

I Carusi in Carlton is more subtle and intimate. The menu is very no fuss and inexpensive. A great place for a romantic night out with unpretentious toppings and great pizzas. There’s even a chilli and brocolli pizza which i’m assured is excellent. You can’t book, but for the relatively inexpensive yet opulent experience, it’s unsurpassed.

I Carusi 2 in St Kilda is a more lively, less intimate version. Again I don’t think you can book and it’s basically the same far in a more street cafe environment. It’s a slightly lively, more pizzeria feel than a swanky restaurant unlike it’s Carlton protege. So whatever you prefer, or whoever you’re taking. You decide!

Finally there’s the old favourite, L’Osteria on Nicholson St. Which has been the gourmet pizza place of choice since I believe 1989. More an Italian restaurant than a up and coming trendy restaurant, it’s well priced, old Italian style and homely. Their gourmet pizza with beef sausage, parmesan and rocket is the favourite (the menu’s in Italian and im not!)

Not where you’d go for the trendiest chefs and most speculated wanky pizza topping but well on par with the newcomers and never booked out two weeks in advance. Their pizzas and mains are never bad and will leave an impression that will last far longer than the avant garde bathroom in Ladros.

So what’s the favourite, the brisket, anchovie, artichoke, sundried tomatoes and olive pizza I made at home last night. Go to them all, learn, try, do your own thing. But if you can’t be bothered cooking, there’s always a table at L’Osteria and you’ll never wish you stayed at home.

Cheap eats and vegetarian may conjure up images of hippie Nimbin types, spliffs and John Butler music, but has the FGY Gallery got a surprise for you.

The part Buddhist restaurant, part porcelain museum is peaceful, opulent and very, very tasty. Don’t cringe at the veg either, because virtually every dish has vegie meat substitute which has the exact texture and taste of what you’re meant to be eating. Just don’t choke on the paddle pop stick holding the faux chicken drumstick together.

Like most Chinese restaurants, the bilingual menu has all the staple take away fare and attracts an incredibly broad spectrum of clientelle. You have four daily lunchbox specials for under $10 and some of the best teas you’ll ever get your hands on. Their Kumquat tea is highly recommended. Culturephobes can have their good old lemon chicken as well. Oh and they have private dining rooms for groups with the Lazy Susan on the table.

So even if you’re scraping up the pennies for a typical pasta carbonara, walk the extra block and get a proper meal (quickly) and feel all the better for it. After all, they serve not just food but tranquility and enlightenment. A permanent favourite.

4.5 stars out of 5.

N.B. The restaurant is not open on weekends but for lunch Monday - Friday.

Gertrude St, being the funky artery between Brunswick St and the skank of Smith St has a few hidden jewels like the Ume Bar and Ladros. But fuck me dead, I had no idea that I only had to walk to the end of the street to have great fish instead of going to Barclay St’s Claypots.

Yes the same crew have a far bigger restaurant in Collingwood, with an even better selection of fish (including Coral Rainbow Trout) and tapas. Although your’e more distanced from the kitchen and can’t drool over your meal being prepared, it’s a lot less congested and relaxed than Barclay St.

For entree we had Balmain Bugs. Interesting flavours and not as messy as it sounds. Don’t ask me what a Balmain Bug actually is. But it looks like a huge beetle or something and has fleshy meat like a prawn but with richer flavour.

One cute thing they do is bring out a massive paella cooking tray full of tapas dishes, so you can pick and choose, instead of reading them from the menu. This time we wen’t the Cajun Flathead and god damn was it succulent and with just the right hint of spice. In fact the first bite was so tender it was almost like a chicken breast.

In short if you love your fish and uncrammed restaurants, this really hits the spot!