The ultimate celebrity fragrances comeback

Walk past any pharmacy or the cosmetic section of any department store and you will be inundated. As if we can’t get enough of Shitney Spears and Gwen Stefani in the general zeitgeist, we need to apparently smell like them. Everyone from Ewan McGregor to Kylie Minogue now has their own fragrance – yours for just a few hundred bucks. It seems celebrities themselves have become brands; bright, shiny objects for our mass appeal and consumption. Frankly this whole thing is pathetic and I have an idea to turn it on its arse: Lemmy the fragrance. It will come in a hip flask made of old German World War Two surplus with a big German eagle on it. Forget high notes of Brazilian Sandalwood and patchouli, Lemmy the fragrance smells of denim, leather cowboy boots, Malboro Reds, Jack Daniels and Coke, sweat covered Marshall amps and fresh amphetamines. This is a fragrance, finally, that will melt knickers and scare small children. For those who don’t like wearing Lemmy the fragrance, you can have it with Coke on ice. Or for the die hard, it will come in a snortable form. Either way, you’re never going to end up in some poncey hip hop bar wearing this stuff and it should help rid the shelves of the next Paris Hilton fragrance which probably would smell of chlamydia and wet patch.  Oh yeah and it would make Lemmy live on forever, which seems inevitable anyway. What more could you ask for? Willy Nelson the fragrance? Well that would be the smell of smoking a spliff at your grandfather’s house which limits...

Best rock rant in history

Ed Roman is a ‘guitar shop to the stars’ kind of guy. He is based in Vegas and appears to have been dealing with rock star types since god started designing dirt. And his rant here proves it. I stumbled upon his celebrity guitars web site the other day and have been reading through his ‘celebrity guitar’ pages for almost a week. It’s stupid crazy addictive for a muso. Ed’s created a site that despite not being updated in a while and a few old school design elements (I’m always up for a redesign project Mr Roman!), the content is just so bloody good. Anyway, after I’d gone through all the heroes, there was the celebrity page for Def Leppard guitarist Viv Campbell. This article sums up Def Leppard beautfully as one of the most talented yet clearly irrelevant groups in rock history. Ed’s article goes from talking about Viv into a two page manifesto of what’s wrong with rock today. There’s literally about 3 lines about Viv and Def Leppard in the whole thing. It’s all about how people could really play in the eighties and everyone’s a three chord poseur now. In the 80’s, you had to know how to play your guitar or you couldn’t join a rubber band. I mean today a lot of these so called garage bands can barely tune their instruments. So instead of learning how to play their instrument or how to use their gear, they just babble on about 80’s hair head bands and call them spandex sissies. Then he draws on personal experience to point out the poseurs: Just...

Tommy Chong’s pimped Prius

Well if you don’t know who Tommy Chong of the legendary comedy duo Cheech and Chong is, good luck to you. You suck. Much like the Toyota Prius does. And people apparently agree with me. Not only is the Prius recently announced the seventh least stolen car in the US of 2008, it looks like an environmentally friendly hatfull of busted organic arseholes. So clearly I’m not a fan. But what could Tommy Chong possibly bring to the mix? Well thanks to him and the guys at Hippie Motors, clearly banking on his celebrity, he has quite simply the only cool Prius in the world. It might not go any faster, but it’s lowered, tinted and it just doesn’t get any blacker. It’s like it’s had emotherapy or something. At one point, Tommy reckons that he had hydraulic low rider suspension, but had it removed because the ride quality was hideously bad. The interior is bespoke too. One thing’s for sure, if I had to drive a contrived eco celebmobile it would be this one. Thankfully, I think only Tommy can get away with it. Both Cheech and Chong were recently interviewed on the Jonesy’s Jukebox podcast. In the hour and a bit interview, Tommy talks for a few minutes about the beast amongst other things! We can all only hope that when we’re in our seventies, we can be as cool as Tommy. Maybe then I can pimp my mum’s four cylinder...

Ace Frehley unreleased album

OK so I was a Kiss fan, there you go. Before Gene made sweet love to his first dollar, they did write some OK tunes – and about ten thousand shit ones. Anyway, I’ve found this podcast the Classic Metal Show (CMS). And lo and behold, they claim they’ve found an unreleased Ace Frehley solo album. Now one thing I’ll say is that it’s easy to go Gene bashing. But Ace is usually put on a pederstool. Anyway in the indulgent eighties, it turns out old Ace tried his hand at some lame ass dance material of his own. Why would anyone pay for precious producer time, a recording studio and all that reel to reel tape to not release anything? It beggars belief. It’s kind of disco that was too late for disco, with Ace’s guitar licks all over it. Then there’s the ‘I like my dolls’ song, which has to be the peak of cocaine addiction if nothing else. Very strange indeed. But it’s mainly boxy bass patterns played on an eighties synthesiser that’s not rock, dance or anywhere near hip hop, but sadly trying to be all three. You can hear the CMS boys take the piss out of it track by track. A great podcast by the way too boys. I found it on iTunes and thought it may be a tad nostalgic. But it’s objective, a tad cynical and very now. If someone still rocks, they rock. If not they put their snakeskin boot in! Rawk \m/. If you really are into self aural mutilation, apparently you can find the Ace Frehley demos here....

Paul Stanley Backwards

This just proves how far some people will go to prove a point. This bloke reckons that the Kiss song ‘Heaven’s on Fire’ contains a backwards message. “Paint the Sky” backwards is apparently “I suck dick”. You judge for yourself. I just like the tag line, “There you have it folks. Paul Stanley is gay without makeup”. Oh the...

Yet another email will scam

Well somehow this message got around Hotmail’s spam filter. Perhaps because every message was sent from a different email address! The first one was from an address at Missisipi University from a guy called Jakel Marshall. The picture (left) and accompanying link claim he’s a model, but he’s also a model rip off merchant IF it’s the same guy. Frankly I think it isn’t. But at least the Nigerian e-mail scammers are getting a bit more aspirational with their identities. So anyway the first email I get was as follows: ** Reply Requested by 9/6/2008 (Saturday) ** From: Jakel Marshall My Private email: jakel.marshall@live.com This is for your attention Through some discreet search from my local chambers of commerce and having obtained your contact from the internet. I contacted you because you bear the same surname identity. Presently in my bank here in the United Kingdom we have an estate,which has remained unclaimed since 1999. And the estate will be converted to UNCLAIMED DEPOSIT and therefore forfeited if nobody comes forward to lay claim to the deposit before the end of this financial quarter, as is the practice and also indicated in the European Union banking guidelines.I wish to notify you of a Deal between You and me to put in claims for payment with your name as the beneficiary to the total sum of US$5,500,000.00 (Five million, Five Hundred Thousand) in the intent of the deceased (name now withheld since this is our second letter to you)As I mentioned earlier, I contacted you because you bear the surname identity and therefore can present you as the beneficiary to...