Lemmy - all smellier than everything else.

Walk past any pharmacy or the cosmetic section of any department store and you will be inundated. As if we can’t get enough of Shitney Spears and Gwen Stefani in the general zeitgeist, we need to apparently smell like them. Everyone from Ewan McGregor to Kylie Minogue now has their own fragrance – yours for just a few hundred bucks. It seems celebrities themselves have become brands; bright, shiny objects for our mass appeal and consumption.

Frankly this whole thing is pathetic and I have an idea to turn it on its arse: Lemmy the fragrance. It will come in a hip flask made of old German World War Two surplus with a big German eagle on it. Forget high notes of Brazilian Sandalwood and patchouli, Lemmy the fragrance smells of denim, leather cowboy boots, Malboro Reds, Jack Daniels and Coke, sweat covered Marshall amps and fresh amphetamines. This is a fragrance, finally, that will melt knickers and scare small children.

For those who don’t like wearing Lemmy the fragrance, you can have it with Coke on ice. Or for the die hard, it will come in a snortable form. Either way, you’re never going to end up in some poncey hip hop bar wearing this stuff and it should help rid the shelves of the next Paris Hilton fragrance which probably would smell of chlamydia and wet patch.  Oh yeah and it would make Lemmy live on forever, which seems inevitable anyway.

What more could you ask for? Willy Nelson the fragrance? Well that would be the smell of smoking a spliff at your grandfather’s house which limits its potential. So Lemmy shall have to do.

Ed Roman and Viv. Ed's clearly a better rock star as he's not smiling

Ed Roman is a ‘guitar shop to the stars’ kind of guy. He is based in Vegas and appears to have been dealing with rock star types since god started designing dirt. And his rant here proves it.

I stumbled upon his celebrity guitars web site the other day and have been reading through his ‘celebrity guitar’ pages for almost a week. It’s stupid crazy addictive for a muso. Ed’s created a site that despite not being updated in a while and a few old school design elements (I’m always up for a redesign project Mr Roman!), the content is just so bloody good.

Anyway, after I’d gone through all the heroes, there was the celebrity page for Def Leppard guitarist Viv Campbell. This article sums up Def Leppard beautfully as one of the most talented yet clearly irrelevant groups in rock history. Ed’s article goes from talking about Viv into a two page manifesto of what’s wrong with rock today. There’s literally about 3 lines about Viv and Def Leppard in the whole thing.

It’s all about how people could really play in the eighties and everyone’s a three chord poseur now.

In the 80’s, you had to know how to play your guitar or you couldn’t join a rubber band. I mean today a lot of these so called garage bands can barely tune their instruments. So instead of learning how to play their instrument or how to use their gear, they just babble on about 80’s hair head bands and call them spandex sissies.

Then he draws on personal experience to point out the poseurs:

Just the other day a friend of mine from Washington DC moved to LA. He proceeded to try to join a band. The little fascist, elite, snob, douche bag members of the first band that he auditioned for, told him he couldn’t join their band. He was playing a Hamer Californian. They said he was a great player and easily good enough but he would have to cut his hair and play a Les Paul if he wanted to join their faggy little gaggle of idiots band.

And you guessed it, record companies are to blame for everything

Record companies don’t want any more Mick Jaggers or Frank Sinatra’s or Elvis Presley’s or Jim Morrison’s or Jimi Hendrix, They want bands like Hootie and the Blow Fish. They want bands that will never make it past their third album which usually doesn’t even get released.

Um, I’m guessing that was written before Metallica’s Some Kind of Monster movie came out. Maybe they’re the exception to the rule. While I hate virtuoso players, I’m loathed to admit I agree with Ed on his comments.  Music is more of a commodity than ever. Hey even Bumblefoot couldn’t join Guns n Roses unless he hung up his beautiful French made Vigier guitars and played a Les Paul. Pretty narrow minded stuff.

Anyway Ed’s got a great web site going and some great experiences and stories to share. He’s also brutally honest when guitars aren’t up to snuff, e.g. Joe Perry and Santana’s signature models. If you’re a guitarist check it out. It’s a great read.

But what could Tommy Chong possibly bring to the mix? Well thanks to him and the guys at Hippie Motors, clearly banking on his celebrity, he has quite simply the only cool Prius in the world. It might not go any faster, but it’s lowered, tinted and it just doesn’t get any blacker. It’s like it’s had emotherapy or something.

At one point, Tommy reckons that he had hydraulic low rider suspension, but had it removed because the ride quality was hideously bad. The interior is bespoke too. One thing’s for sure, if I had to drive a contrived eco celebmobile it would be this one. Thankfully, I think only Tommy can get away with it.

Both Cheech and Chong were recently interviewed on the Jonesy’s Jukebox podcast. In the hour and a bit interview, Tommy talks for a few minutes about the beast amongst other things! We can all only hope that when we’re in our seventies, we can be as cool as Tommy. Maybe then I can pimp my mum’s four cylinder Magna.

Dave's not here man. He's locked in the trunk.

Now one thing I’ll say is that it’s easy to go Gene bashing. But Ace is usually put on a pederstool. Anyway in the indulgent eighties, it turns out old Ace tried his hand at some lame ass dance material of his own. Why would anyone pay for precious producer time, a recording studio and all that reel to reel tape to not release anything? It beggars belief. It’s kind of disco that was too late for disco, with Ace’s guitar licks all over it.

Then there’s the ‘I like my dolls’ song, which has to be the peak of cocaine addiction if nothing else. Very strange indeed. But it’s mainly boxy bass patterns played on an eighties synthesiser that’s not rock, dance or anywhere near hip hop, but sadly trying to be all three.

You can hear the CMS boys take the piss out of it track by track. A great podcast by the way too boys. I found it on iTunes and thought it may be a tad nostalgic. But it’s objective, a tad cynical and very now. If someone still rocks, they rock. If not they put their snakeskin boot in! Rawk \m/.

If you really are into self aural mutilation, apparently you can find the Ace Frehley demos here. But slash your wrists and rub salt in your wounds instead. It more fashionable with the emos of today and marginally less painful.

You judge for yourself. I just like the tag line, “There you have it folks. Paul Stanley is gay without makeup”. Oh the irony.

This Jakel Marshall from Missisipi (source: Google) looks far too well adjusted to do email scamming.

Well somehow this message got around Hotmail’s spam filter. Perhaps because every message was sent from a different email address! The first one was from an address at Missisipi University from a guy called Jakel Marshall. The picture (left) and accompanying link claim he’s a model, but he’s also a model rip off merchant IF it’s the same guy. Frankly I think it isn’t. But at least the Nigerian e-mail scammers are getting a bit more aspirational with their identities.

So anyway the first email I get was as follows:

** Reply Requested by 9/6/2008 (Saturday) **

From: Jakel Marshall

My Private email: jakel.marshall@live.com

This is for your attention Through some discreet search from my local
chambers of commerce and having
obtained your contact from the internet. I contacted you because you
bear the same surname identity.

Presently in my bank here in the United Kingdom we have an estate,which
has remained unclaimed since 1999. And the estate will be converted to
UNCLAIMED DEPOSIT and therefore forfeited if nobody comes forward to lay
claim to the deposit before the end of this financial quarter, as is the
practice and also indicated in the European Union banking guidelines.I
wish to notify you of a Deal between You and me to put in claims for
payment with your name as the beneficiary to the total sum of
US$5,500,000.00 (Five million, Five Hundred Thousand) in the intent of
the deceased (name now withheld since this is our second letter to
you)As I mentioned earlier, I contacted you because you bear the surname
identity and therefore can present you as the beneficiary to the
inheritance
since there is no written will.

All the papers/documents will be processed on your acceptance to partner
with me. In your acceptance of this deal, we request that you kindly
forward to us your letter of acceptance, your current telephone and fax
numbers, your private email address and a forwarding address to enable
us file necessary documents at our high court probate division for the
release of this sum of money in your favour.

Yours faithfully
Jakel Marshall

Anyway, I’m a big fan of rattling cages. So here’s my response:

Er, I’ve never seen a first email from you. Who is the deceased? And why is your reply email from Mississippi college?

Cheers,
Matt H

And the response, from a different email address:

Dear Matt,

Thank you for your response and for your williness to handle this deal and before I proceed any further, let me make it clear to you that God is my witness that this deal will be done under funds reguratory laws, the transfer will be in accordance to both local and international laws and everything will be completed within ten Banking days provided you follow my instructions very well

Once again I am Mr Jakel Marshall, an internal auditor with Hsbc Bank Plc.During our last auditing exercises, as the head of the team, I discovered a dormant account valued $5.5 Million dollars. Further investigation about the account revealed that the account holder died since 1999. And up till date, nobody has come forward or put application for claim. During my private search for the relative recently your name and email contact was among the findings that matches the same surname as the decease name who died interstate with no Will or next of kin.

Like I did mentioned in my first paragraph , the death of Mr Derick Walker Hayward ,was abrupt and without a WILL covering this sum mentioned to you. This leaves me no choice but to appoint you as a beneficiary. As the Residuary beneficiary, I have the responsibility to sort out the administrative details on his death. LET ME MAKE IT CLEAR TO YOU THAT IT IS OF TRUTH THAT YOU ARE NOT A RELATIVE TO LATE MR DERICK BUT I CHOOSE TO NOMINATE YOU BECAUSE YOU SHARE THE SAME SURNAME WITH HIM AND WITH THAT, I WILL BE ABLE TO HANDLE THE OFFICIAL PAPER WORK TO LEGALIZE THAT. THIS SECRET WILL BE BETWEEN YOU AND I ONLY. Note that things like this happens every now and then in all banking industries.

However, I cannot make claim to the inheritance as a staff of the bank and by the same laws I am prohibited to do so. So I needed a beneficiary to be nominated within the United Kingdom otherwise these funds become that of the crown and will be decleared unclaimed deposit.
I will be acting as partners with you in achieving this goal and I will be getting you one of the bank approved Attorney to act before the probate in securing the relevant legal documents on your behalf. In all of these, the most important thing is for us to be able to obtain the grant of letter of Administration from the Probate. This is an official document, issued by the court, which allows you (as administrator) to administer the estate and this will be getting on your behalf through bank approved Attorney.A Grant of Letter of Administration is obtained by person(s) entitled according the rules of the court when the deceased dies without leaving a Will or “intestate” The situation where a person dies without making a will fully disposing the assets. The administration of “intestate” estate is governed by the Administration of Estates Act 1925. The Administration of Estates Act 1925 sets out for who can act as an administrator – that is, who has the legal right to deal with the affairs of the person who has died. To enable us proceed,
send me the following details.
1)your full name and address
2)Direct cell phone and fax number
3) Your age and occupation
4) Your private email address
The amount in the account is $5.5 Million dollars, as mentioned in my first paragraph I will offer you $1,500,000.00 Million as your share, 5% set aside for expenses.
After the transfer of the $5.5 Million has been made to your account, I will come over to meet you for my share and to discuss further with you on how to invest part of my share in your country under your suppervission.
Please handle this deal with all your heart and please keep it secretly and let this be between you and I only untill the transfer of the funds is done to your account.
Please respond to me with the above informations as early as possible so we can progress.

Call me on my direct private line +44 702 408 5###.
Best Regards,
Mr Jakel Marshall

Clearly, this guy doesn’t work at a bank, especially the HSBC. and check the way he spells supervision. Anyway I Googled a few parts of the original, like the figure “Five million, Five Hundred Thousand”. Guess what! There were a few Nigerian bank scam emails with the exact same figure, and highly similar wording to this email. When you think about it, if he was in dear old England, why is he providing a dollar figure? Is it USD or AUD? Stupid really.

Secondly, I have posted both these messages verbatim. See how he’s clearly working from a template from the first one because the grammar and spelling is of a much higher quality. The second is frankly woeful. Looks like not many people ever reply.

Anyway, this just has to be a scam. Either way, I’m not stupid enough to risk all my money in ‘admin charges’ and legal fees to get $5.5M that doesn’t exist. So if you get a scam message from Matt Hayward, it ain’t me. Some arse hole has scammed my email address.

If you are from an authority that can duly handle these clowns, i’ll be more than happy to forward on the original email. If you get any of these messages yourself, please leave a comment.

I put it to the average ‘long in the leg, thick in the head Aussie’ that you are the world’s most unmitigated wine snob. You buy all your wine from the one shop (Dan Murphys). For those of you who came in late or are not Aussies, Dan Murphys is a booze supermarket, like a Wal Mart dedicated to everything alcoholic. Good to save a few bucks, but just like Wal Mart, you save a bundle on somethings and get totally ripped off. Worse than that, you’re not getting any story behind the wine, you hardly ever meet the makers and you’re served by some spotty git that only knows what’s good because the manager always knicks it. Their ‘cellar’ is an industrial warehouse the size of Belgium and that’s about it. There’s no guy with a beard that could tell you everything from the etymology of the name of the terroir of the soil.

Secondly, all your information comes from at best two sources, Jeremy Oliver (no not the celebrity chef) and some bloke Halliday. Have you read these books? I have read the later in detail. He tastes about 4000 wines a year and can often take the piss if you read enough of it. My problem with these books is it’s like calling and insurance company for a quote for fully comprehensive on your car. ‘what’s the make and model?’, ‘an 86 Camira sedan’. ‘OK your insurance will be $500′, ‘OK. It’s that arbitrary. So they’ve made finding fine wine like getting a quote on your car insurance. It’s just statistics. I put it to you that that’s not a journey, it’s a destination. And it’s bloody boring. I did not get into wine to learn better maths. Ever been to a proper wine tasting not just to get pissed, but to get a different opinion or learn something? Probably not. Ever been to a cellar door? In the truest sense unlikely.

Thirdly, go to your local Dan Murphys. Pick up a ten dollar bottle of French plonk and you’re looked at as some ‘un ooostraayalan’ wine terrorist. The only exception being a bottle of Sauv Blanc from New Zealand for the ladies. God forbid you look at a brilliant Argentinian drop, a brilliant Croatian Chardonnay or a South African Rose. It’s like slapping Don Bradman in the face. Just buy your Shiraz rated at 96 points (sadly there are quite a few rated so highly) and get back in your Commodore, off to your football club barby.

Frankly, I envy the British like Clarkson. They’re in a position where they have ample old world wine. They also have brilliant wine from the Americas, Africas and Oceania and will pick the best for a price range. But there’s no tall poppy syndrome when it comes to the continent it’s from. They have no real domestic wine and the whole world is your oyster. It appears to be about what’s good and what’s reasonably priced. God forbid Australians should ever be so open minded.

Finally, sure snobs of any kind suck. But give me the informed, erudite snob with a story to tell any day that I could learn something from than some Barry McKenzie wanna be fuckwit that thinks just because people are ill informed enough to spend $450 on a bottle of Penfolds Grange, everything Australian is great thank you very much. Sadly, trophy wines like Penfolds that satisfy a demographic and not a palette are doing a great deal of damage to our international reputation. If the Average Barry Humphries Aussie took a blind taste test, he or she would probably find that even South American wine is blinding more interesting than the staid old Aussie Shiraz.

My conclusion is this. If you only drink an Aussie Shiraz and bugger the rest of the world, stick to beer. You’re being the wine snob you think you’re not being. Oh the irony. And I’d rather hear someone tell me some scintillating wine bogus adventure than the latest 5000 wines that Halliday has tasted between soires.

Please for the love of god telling me how great Aussie wine is when you’re too scared to try anything else. If that was the case, I’d still be listening to New Kids on the Block for music. Wine continues to amaze me because you can never try everything. You could never know everything about it. You can’t possibly try everything. That should be a good thing, not a bad thing! Stop being so stuck up and put some imagination into your drinking Australia. You bore me!

In the mean time, you can search for the Classic Albums episode on the Aces of Spades album – a true classic – and “Motorhead: Live Fast Die Old” (by Channel 4 in the UK) filmed in 2003. Both have a great dose of Lemmy’s inimitable character and humor. The later is a little more candid and realistic, but both are fantastic. If the movie can be half as good as these two, it will still be awesome. For better or for worse, it promises to be so much more.

Man, this movie has a lot to live up to, but I am so excited. Become a fan of Motorhead on Facebook to get updates like this. How many more sleeps until 2009?

For the trailer, see http://www.lemmymovie.com/

The fight was slated when an angry fan contested Yang Sihamoni, President of the CMFL, claiming that one lion could defeat his entire league of 42 fighters.

Those little fellers didn’t do so well:

Sihamoni was quoted before the fight stating that he felt since his fighters out-numbered the lion 42 to 1, that they “… could out-wit and out-muscle [it].”

Unfortunately, he was wrong.

Don’t believe me, well it’s from the BBC! Something tells me the won’t be a video on Youtube and I’m not game enough to look at work.