The world adores matt hayward

A friend at work showed me this the other day. In the fine tradition of learning through parody and mockery comes the series You Suck At Photoshop. Call it a Web 2.0 version of Web Pages that Suck, a site that rocked my world about 10 years ago as a budding young web producer. But don’t call it average, because the bloke doing this series is a class act!

Basically this is Photoshop techniques taught through sarcasm, scorn and maximum bitterness. In the first episode, layering techniques are demonstrated. So Donny Photoshops his marriage certificate on the inside window of ‘the van his wife and high school friend are in every Friday night’. Basically every episode is punctuated by his married life coming to a sudden end. Like the episode that covers the Photoshopping the wedding ring off of the finger in episode 3.

Anyway, if you type ‘You Suck At Photoshop’ into Youtube, there’s five episodes at the time of writing. All pant wettingly funny and laden with irony. With what little I know about Photoshop , they actually are pretty good tutorials too (e.g. his alternatives to the clone tool). So if you’re copping it at work and need a quick sarcastic fix to pull you through, give it a crack.

Brilliantly honest, suburban and quirky, Juno is the next arthouse flick from the middle of nowhere. Juno is a sixteen year old high school girl that falls pregnant to her best friend, a dorky athletics champ played by Michael Cera from the great Arrested Development. Having too much heart to deal with abortion, she decides adoption is the best option.

Far from the some uber conservative right wing reaction TV would have you expect, Juno’s parents take her pregnancy in their stride and support her in the adoption. Juno in the mean time looks for the perfect middle class family who can give her baby the support structure she can’t. While reading home maker magazines, she finds a classified ad seeking a baby, placed the perfect bourgeois yuppie couple. Here’s another highlight for Arrested Development fan, because the candidate dad is played by Jason Bateman.

Suddenly it’s all too idyllic. The wanting adoptive couple and the troubled teen seem a perfect match. But Juno quickly develops a friendship with the Bateman’s character Garner. This is when things get a bit pear shaped. Alison Janney, the prospective mother becomes enamored with childbirth, Bateman longs for his adolescence. Suddenly Juno is forced to reassess everything and take stock of what matters in her life.

Saying much more than that would wreck the whole thing. But if you liked Napoleon Dynamite or are a die hard Arrested Development fan like myself, Juno’s worth a crack. Michael Cera is brilliant in his role as the gawky boyfriend of Juno. Although you can’t help but feel he’s been a bit typecast as the indecisive dork. Equally brilliant is the girl who plays Juno, as a total ‘dude’ teenager that’s equally full of chutzpah as she is vulnerable.

Juno is a genuinely good movie which can’t be faulted. Whether it’s brilliant though I’m not so sure. I reckon it’s three and a bit stars out of five, but if quirky middle American comedy is your thing, give it a crack.

Well it’s been a stressful week editing. And to say the least, this is a rough edit. But here is my Top Gear audition tape! You may’ve noticed the BMW review, and that’s the car that I rented for audition.

Big ups and huge thanks to my buds Andrew and Leigh for their on screen appearances and camera, sound and editing work.

Matt Hayward’s audition tape on Youtube.

I had a broadband dilemma a while ago. My dad needed broadband. So we were already to go ADSL, but the house has a back to base alarm. This meant that the alarm is wired into the phone line for emergencies and required the security company to add in a splitter. Let’s face it, that security company could charge whatever they want to install a simple $20 device.

Second option was cable. But Telstra is prohibitively expensive and that too would’ve required either a cable to be run up the house or a wireless network. Either way, it wasn’t a serious option for us.

That’s when we found 3 with their Wi-Fi USB modem deal. For all intents it’s a mobile phone without a speaker and a keypad. You buy the modem with a garden variety sim card. Once you set it up, you’re basically on the 3G network.

As soon as we plugged it in, download speeds were pretty average. It takes a day or so to hit HSDPA speeds, which are basically the same as 1.5 DSL. But once you’re there, it’s pretty fast.

So how fast is it? Well this one is installed in Melbourne’s outer eastern suburbs, near the Dandenongs, and it’s reasonable. Downloads will stay around 45K on the 3G network and way above 100K when in HDSPA mode.  HSDPA mode seems to be a bit intermittent though.

One big tip we’ve discovered is to improve reception, get yourself a 5 metre USB extension lead. No this won’t act as an antenna, but mounting your USB modem as close to the ceiling (and a window) as possible greatly reduces interference, thus greatly improving speed and reliability.

So far so good. Yes the device is mobile, but more importantly it could save you a few hundred bucks in installation, even if you never use it on the road. An option worth thinking about.

Well I needed something a bit fit for the weekend and the best on offer was a new BMW 525 with the M sports pack. It’s only the 6, which pales to comparison to its big brother V10. But when it comes to the twisties, it’s all car!

First things first, this car is bloody irritating. It took me about ten minutes to learn how to start it (key chain in hole, press it in, foot on brake, trans in park, hit ’start’ button), ten minutes to learn how to change from HD TV to normal FM radio. Then another 5 minutes to explain to my girlfriend how to start it and the rest of the day changing my driving style to suit it! Clearly this is not my idea of fun.

Inside the interior is nothing special. There’s a chrome gear level that looks like an eighties Commodore 64 joystick, very firm seats and some of the finest fake wood I’ve ever seen. The irony of which isn’t lost of BMW that have managed to convince themselves that people will pay $100K for fake wood! The firmness of the seats of matched by those run-flat tyres. Which means no longer can you just drive over bumps, you need to actively avoid them unless you’re best mates with your chiropractor.

Of course being a Beamer, it well and truly steers and handles. In a straight line, Joe Commodore will keep up with you. But he will absolutely eat your dust through the twisties. The six speed auto changes super quick and never hesitates. The super sensitive steering really comes alive. Easily the shortest turn to lock of any car I’ve ever driven. Again it’s irritating in town, but very welcome when driving with some spirited aggression.

Despite the lack of straight line grunt, if you don’t love the silky smooth 6 after an hour of corners, there’s something wrong with you. It revs out past seven grand and really, really wails. The exhaust note is just sublime. It’s a very rewarding drive and you don’t miss the extra two (or four) cylinders of the up spec models.

Looks wise, you can take it or leave it. But frankly, I think it’s stunning. Particularly with the 18″ M series rims my rental car had. Sadly I can’t say the same for its grip levels. Better drivers than yours truly will be able to flick it sideways. But I found it just grips and grips with subtle understeer. Who buys a sporty rear wheel drive car for grip? It must be the same guy that came up with the world’s best fake wood. All that energy that usually sends the car sliding, now goes up the driver’s spine. Which is yes very bloody uncomfortable when you’re trying to have some good old greasy fun.

Grip aside, this cat purrs. It’s great to drive, but not so great to live with. It would be like living with a supermodel that thinks you’re gay and won’t do anything with you. Better still a supermodel that looks great until you try and do anything fun or meaningful with her (anyone who’s ever tried to learn iDrive quickly could relate I’m sure).

Sure enough the road to hell is paved with good intentions. And that’s the greatest flaw with this car. There was probably nothing wrong with the previous E39 5 series. But they had to do something better. They had to add more lipstick to the pig; they had to add more safety features otherwise people wouldn’t trade up to the new model. Underneath all that garnish is a brilliant car, but not one I could live with. I’d rather be pushing an Alfa than fiddling with iDrive…

When you think Asian beer garden, you might think outdoor furniture, random chaos, icy cold beer and great hawker food. Hot and stinky, yet the patrons wouldn’t have it any other way. Not so at Cho Gao. Take all the bad things about a swanky, pretentious inner city bar, mixed with all the bad things from a swanky, overpriced pretentious inner city bar and you have Cho Gao.

You could start with the kitschy Chinese decorations, or the faux rustic brick wall on the boucany. Or even go as far as saying $12 for 3 satay skewers is beyond ridiculous. But it’s the lack of service which is truly exceptional. While there are some Asian staff hidden away from sight in the kitchen, the staff here look about as Asian as the token white guy in a Kung Fu movie. Better still, a ham sandwich.

Now an Asian beer garden should have Asian beer. Well think again. They only had Kirin First Press on tap and I couldn’t see any others bottled (well maybe Chang). No Tsing Tao, Asahi or especially my favourite Japanese micro brews.

I can’t personally vouch for the quality of my $21 chicken curry though. Because it never came. The kitchen must’ve loved it so much they took it to the framers. Those that did eat, got their meals 5 minutes before their rice came. When I finally cancelled the meal, about the time my mates were finishing theirs, there was no apology from the head waiter. He was ran off his feet attending a half full restaurant.

If you like a cultural experience devoid of any culture, service without food, over inflated prices and Asians that look like Ginger Meggs, all washed down with $8 tap beer, Cho Gao is the go. Otherwise a lobotomy might be a less painful experience. There are plenty of great, well established Asian bars in Melbourne: Robot, Double Happiness, you name it. This place just puts the Asian in cauc-asian and looks as if it would probably melt in the sun - no doubt before your meal arrives. Avoid.

Broadworks Pty Limited are now live with a brand new web site. This web site is based around the latest version of the Wordpress Content Management System (CMS) that this very blog is based on.

For a low cost and quick lead time, Broadworks now have a web site show casing their latest projects. Particularly important with property development. The CMS means that Broadworks aren’t dependent on me to make trivial updates. With a few clicks, they can do it all themselves. Meaning they take care of their own business, and I’m only involved with the technical stuff (adding functionality, look and feel etc) - as it should be.

Broadworks specialise in consultancy and project management for construction and tele-communications projects.

If you’d like to find out more about getting your own web site using the Wordpress CMS, please get in touch with me.

Last night I was having dinner when there was a knock at the door. A very skinny, dark skinned kid about 20 was at the door. He claimed to be an Israeli art student (from Tel Aviv university. But that uni doesn’t offer art on it’s curriculum page) selling paintings, only ‘he wasn’t allowed to sell his own work’. His English wasn’t too bad.

Strangely for an Israeli guy he didn’t seem to know about Caufield and Balaclava - two of the biggest Jewish areas in Melbourne. He said he was staying outside of Melbourne.

The whole time he was showing us his paintings, it was in the back of my mind that I’d heard this story before. Then I found this link from 2004. The elephant painting in this article was in this art kid’s portfolio. Small co-incidence? There are a whole bunch of articles about possible Mossad spy activity in the US and a bunch of Israeli art students being deported. Some were caught at DEA building and military areas. Very, very suss.

Like the link above, the guy told me someone would be in touch about having it framed. This is not something i’m looking forward to.

If any of you guys here of Israeli art students going door to door in Melbourne, please comment here. I am dying to find out what is going on. Because clearly they’re not art students. But why would they be repeating this scam in Melbourne?

At best it’s second-rate art sold at a premium. At least according to this New Zealand article again from 2004, suggesting there’s nothing more sinister than that. I suspect as they’re suggesting, it is simply art of no value mass produced in China. Mostly copies of the real deal.

Would be very interested to see if there are any more occurrences of this…

Follow up 11/02/08: after 8 comments, 1 email and a link to this page from a Russian site, this is a proven scam. Even the Northern Territory Police have issued a warning. This scam is being worked from Russia, to Arizona, to Auckland and everywhere in between. Thanks all for the continued feedback. Please keep it coming!

Welcome back to wacky moment of the week! Ages ago, I saw Slayer playing born to be wild on some stupid American sport show. The sound levels were all wrong, the show as all white bread and it was just plain wrong. That was going to be moment of the week until I found this little gem.

In this vid, someone’s grabbed an original Ed Sullivan Show appearance by Steppenwolf playing born to be wild. Sounds normal enough, but they’ve overdubbed the studio version of Slayer’s cover version. And the results are plainly hilarious.

Watch the vid at youtube here.

I bought this book to read on the plane to Croatia. It’s probably perfectly suited to flying reading, but unless your plane has been delayed 3 hours don’t bother!

May’s quirky style means each rant, or chapter, is no longer than 5 pages. While I find him hilarious on Top Gear, I only got about two giggles out of this book. What really irritated me was not the lack of consistency between topics, but the continuity. Some ramblings were written 2 years ago and others 2 days ago. So one minute he’s talking about a Top Gear episode in 2004 he mentions is soon to be airing, the next something that hasn’t aired yet. Surely a good editor could have smoothed out these bumps?

If you like short, witty ramblings, you may (no pun intended) enjoy it. If not, you may as well spend your $20 down the pub. At least you’ll get a drink out of your hard earned.