In a rare, infact unprecedented display of solidarity, even my fiance agrees that the following is the most irrelevant and self indulgent editorial in the history of car magazines:

“This is a motoring magazine, I know. But it has to be said that suicide, no matter how galantly potrayed and noble in Seven Pounds should have no place in the real world… I have to say this because I know how influential movies with big names can be, and I know there are quite a number of folks who read this magazine, even the younger susceptible set. So again, suicide, however ‘worthy’ the cause is and will always be wrong. There, I said it.”

It’s almost a moot point that if he cares for the younger, more ’susceptible’ readers maybe he wouldn’t overtly go out of his way to alienate those who are in a bad place. Let alone waste valuable magazine space with his degrading opinion. I can’t wait until next week when he shares his opinion on gays and abortion. A quick reminder Top Gear, why do people read car mags? For completely NEUTRAL, unopinionated escapist romp in tarmac fantasy-land. That’s why. And with one incredibly arrogant and self indulgent, completely socially irresponsible statement he destroys all that, and any credibility his magazine may have had. It’s bad taste and completely bad form.

To be honest, I am very close to mental health care professionals and have recently experienced a friend’s suicide. Irrespective of both those points, Cheah’s comments are still completely nonconstructive and completely distasteful.

Oh and it gets better. Letter of the month goes to some local boy who tells some sob story about losing his girl on Valentines Day. A letter so pathetic that the writer basically states he wants his letter published to boost his ego. Perhaps this is down to cultural differences, but this was just pathetic. Donald gives him a pep talk and offers him a Teh Tarik (”pull tea” – a Malaysian beverage). So now we’ve gone from judgmental, to the ‘pussification’ (thanks George Carlin) of a car magazine. Not acceptable! Who reads car mags to hear about someone’s hurt feelings?! WHO CARES!

In the next horrid installment, Cheah provides a two page attempt at satirising apartment life in Hong Kong. The only link to cars being that he was sent there to see Top Gear Live. However only manages to mention how great the show was, of course. You can hear the crickets chirp in your head as you get past paragraph 3. It’s er, COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY IRRELEVANT TO MOTORING.

Given that Hammond and May provide great, witty, slightly self deprecating articles that always have a common thread about motoring, this guy gets two pages to gloat about how KL is better than Hong Kong.

Oh and in the piece where he’s actually meant to talk about Top Gear Live, all he mentions is that the shark fin dim sum was great, real champagne was served and you should meet his brother if you’re in town. This is barely an exaggeration.  Oh how I wish it was. And here’s the next installment in the Cheah gloat-fest:

“Hong Kong holds no fascination for me, apart from the great food at almost every corner of any street. It’s just too busy, too crowded, too stifling and too mercenary for my delicate and refined palate.”

This is clearly not the language of the common man, as I’m sure Cheah himself would be the first to point out. But please raise a hand if you think this kind of softness belongs in a tissue box and not in Top Gear Magazine. While the magazine probably things Cheah will attract aspirational advertisers like Boss and Hennessy, 17 year old Matt Hayward wouldn’t buy that magazine again. And 31 year old Matt Hayward can’t stop cringing at gut laughing at once.

Quite literally, Cheah was so bad that I had to buy another issue to see if it was just an off issue. It was worse. Sadly though I have to admit Cheah’s a decent photographer (albeit overseas), but as an editor and journalist, don’t get me started. Two or three guys wrote in (March 2009 issue) saying how the Malaysian photography was sub and par offering suggestions to make it cooler. Cheah simply refutes their suggestions reminding them of the great format the magazine has, then in a pseudo-arrogant-trying-to-be-cool way invites them to do better.

I agree with the guys writing in, insofar that there’s a marked difference in quality between the British sourced and Malaysian sourced photographs. And in believing that the world is truly flat there is no excuse for this. It’s just plain shoddiness. Frankly I think your readers deserve better.

Already this must be the longest blog post put here in a while. I could go on for volumes but why bother? ‘Nuff said. Let’s hope one day our Malaysian brothers and sisters can get a quality, non judgemental car mag without someone trying to float his own celebrity at their expense. Let us hope.

1) Go to the KLCC observation deck. it’s a big fucking tower!!! You have to climb a big fucking tower! Like how the fuck COULDN’T you climb one! It’s easy, i didn’t. But if you want to go, they only let like 5000 up to the observatory bit every day. Shopping is OK in KLCC, nothing I haven’t seen anywhere else. Watch it when you step outside though, the heat REALLY hits you in about 300 metres! Perhaps a cab to your destination might be a good idea if you’re not crazy about humidity.

N.B. KL really isn’t that accessible, especially if it’s raining because you get covered in pollution. And when it’s hot, you’ll walk about 500 metres and have sweat right through your clothes! This is not really an exaggeration. You’ve been warned!

Oh yeah, everything is negotiable – retail or market stand. Don’t like take any shit from no one lady!

2) See the view from KL Tower. So damn high the elevator ride is a few minutes. You can have quite a conversation going to the top. It is cheaper and easier to get into than KLCC though, as they only let a set amount of people go to the top each day. Awesome view, I got the anxiety attacks because it was so high. Kinda sorta good, but meh. No monkeys.

3) Eat naan bread at Steven’s Corner. If you can go to a place called ’stevens corner’ it’s near the mid valley mall off old Kelang Road. It’s like a third world Chapel St. Everyone cruises around there and Steven’s Corner has about the best naan bread you can eat anywhere in the world. They also have really great fruit drinks and lasses. Plus there’s about 100 other hawker stands (or mamaks as the locals call them. You CAN’T go to KL without eating at one) there as well if that doesn’t grab you. Will be about 45 mins out of KL maybe. I drank in the beer garden there till about 6 in the morning once. Long story, but a very easy and CHEAP place to eat some of the best food ever. I mean seriously good!

Mid valley mall is like Southland in Melbourne. Don’t bother. In fact I think I’ve seen an identical floor plan for that mall in Australia… another boring story.

4) Party in Bangsar. if you don’t want to slum it, hang out in Bangsar. it’s a little slice of Toorak and there’s night markets on a Sunday, ooh and the completely unpredictable (and inflatable) Irish pub. Very Chapel Street. Watch out for kids selling you DVDs, tissues, candies and completely useless shit. They’re persistent. i think there is a nightclub there called the Beach Club, which is a notoriously easy pick up joint/party club. But all the bars are here.

5) Bintang Walk is kinda touristy but really cool. Lots of nice pricey shops and la de dah stuff. Ooh Starbucks!

6) Wander down Petaling Street (aka China town) it’s truly awesome. During the day it’s stinking hot though. At night it’s cooler and becomes one massive market as the roads are only passable on feet with all the market vendor tents taking up the road. You can get this drink they call cats eye or something in Cantonese. Here you will find all the knock off software, DVDs, cds, clothes, watches, sunnies; anything a Chinese man can knock off will be sold here. It’s good to see because when the po-lice raid the joint, all the dodgy wares are on hospital beds and they plough them down the street!

7) Visit a Hindu temple. Go to this Indian temple near Petaling st, Brickfields
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sri_Kandaswamy_Kovil,_Brickfields
it’s unbelievable and almost walking distance from Chinatown.

8 ) Visit an amazing Buddhist temple. It’s really really cool, probably the number two thing. Because it overlooks the whole town and it’s absolutely massive.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thean_Hou_Temple

Oh yeah and eat nasi lemak. They have it wrapped in banana leaves on the tables of cafes in little pyramids. It’s a true Malaysian experience and would cost you about thirty cents from the average hawker stand, or mamaks as they’re known.

P.S. Cab drivers are scary. But not as scary as the cabs. Get used to it.