I put it to the average ‘long in the leg, thick in the head Aussie’ that you are the world’s most unmitigated wine snob. You buy all your wine from the one shop (Dan Murphys). For those of you who came in late or are not Aussies, Dan Murphys is a booze supermarket, like a Wal Mart dedicated to everything alcoholic. Good to save a few bucks, but just like Wal Mart, you save a bundle on somethings and get totally ripped off. Worse than that, you’re not getting any story behind the wine, you hardly ever meet the makers and you’re served by some spotty git that only knows what’s good because the manager always knicks it. Their ‘cellar’ is an industrial warehouse the size of Belgium and that’s about it. There’s no guy with a beard that could tell you everything from the etymology of the name of the terroir of the soil.

Secondly, all your information comes from at best two sources, Jeremy Oliver (no not the celebrity chef) and some bloke Halliday. Have you read these books? I have read the later in detail. He tastes about 4000 wines a year and can often take the piss if you read enough of it. My problem with these books is it’s like calling and insurance company for a quote for fully comprehensive on your car. ‘what’s the make and model?’, ‘an 86 Camira sedan’. ‘OK your insurance will be $500′, ‘OK. It’s that arbitrary. So they’ve made finding fine wine like getting a quote on your car insurance. It’s just statistics. I put it to you that that’s not a journey, it’s a destination. And it’s bloody boring. I did not get into wine to learn better maths. Ever been to a proper wine tasting not just to get pissed, but to get a different opinion or learn something? Probably not. Ever been to a cellar door? In the truest sense unlikely.

Thirdly, go to your local Dan Murphys. Pick up a ten dollar bottle of French plonk and you’re looked at as some ‘un ooostraayalan’ wine terrorist. The only exception being a bottle of Sauv Blanc from New Zealand for the ladies. God forbid you look at a brilliant Argentinian drop, a brilliant Croatian Chardonnay or a South African Rose. It’s like slapping Don Bradman in the face. Just buy your Shiraz rated at 96 points (sadly there are quite a few rated so highly) and get back in your Commodore, off to your football club barby.

Frankly, I envy the British like Clarkson. They’re in a position where they have ample old world wine. They also have brilliant wine from the Americas, Africas and Oceania and will pick the best for a price range. But there’s no tall poppy syndrome when it comes to the continent it’s from. They have no real domestic wine and the whole world is your oyster. It appears to be about what’s good and what’s reasonably priced. God forbid Australians should ever be so open minded.

Finally, sure snobs of any kind suck. But give me the informed, erudite snob with a story to tell any day that I could learn something from than some Barry McKenzie wanna be fuckwit that thinks just because people are ill informed enough to spend $450 on a bottle of Penfolds Grange, everything Australian is great thank you very much. Sadly, trophy wines like Penfolds that satisfy a demographic and not a palette are doing a great deal of damage to our international reputation. If the Average Barry Humphries Aussie took a blind taste test, he or she would probably find that even South American wine is blinding more interesting than the staid old Aussie Shiraz.

My conclusion is this. If you only drink an Aussie Shiraz and bugger the rest of the world, stick to beer. You’re being the wine snob you think you’re not being. Oh the irony. And I’d rather hear someone tell me some scintillating wine bogus adventure than the latest 5000 wines that Halliday has tasted between soires.

Please for the love of god telling me how great Aussie wine is when you’re too scared to try anything else. If that was the case, I’d still be listening to New Kids on the Block for music. Wine continues to amaze me because you can never try everything. You could never know everything about it. You can’t possibly try everything. That should be a good thing, not a bad thing! Stop being so stuck up and put some imagination into your drinking Australia. You bore me!

For better or for worse, when Cam and the Eat It boys resumed their awesome Sunday show, the Plonk boys lost their gig. RRR couldn’t find any air time for them. But they did think there was enough merit in doing a podcast – thank god!

This is a one hour show and it looks like it will be a monthly podcast. Production quality is a bit naff, but the content is all great stuff. Three panelists talking all aspects of viticulture, tasting, the wine glut, vintages, regions, varietals, food matchings, you name it. The favourite is WWWW, or Wanky Wine Word of the Week! Each week they endeavour to demystify a new listeners wanky vinofile term.

If you don’t know RRR, trust me this is cool community radio. So think young, laid back, totally non commercial and funky. Not old men with overalls and beards talking about things they found in their shed. Well worth a listen. Subscribe to the plonk podcast, or listen to the first episode.

By talking about this, i’m probably ruining my chances of any other dumb wine luck. But by finding some dusty label-less bottles being in a shop being sold for charity, I came across the mid 60s St Herni shiraz going for a song. Of course the problem was, with a label, it’s pure speculation. Although everyone I spoke to (a Grange specialist on eBay, the Penfold’s customer support line and a posh wine store in town) unanimously agreed on the type and approximate vintage. Not a bad acquisition for a few measly bucks. The verdict was simply based on the markings on the bottle, and lack of a punt at the bottom. Apparently up until the 80s, they used really crappy glue on the labels. So it’s at least that old!

How did it taste? For a wine up to 40 years, just pure simple fruit. No tannins, no jaminess or kerosene like viscosity you sometimes get with over aged wines. Only pure, simple, divine and well balanced fruit. A very rare experience indeed.

How does this relate to the Grange? Well the store we were at had it on tasting at a highly reasonable $370 a bottle. Well highly reasonable for Grange considering most stores sell it for $450. A couple next to us pondered for a good 20 minutes and bought a case. Kind of sad when that $4500 could’ve bought literally 450 good reds at this particular sale. No doubt those 12 stunning Granges will impress their friends no end. Suckers.

Yes we tasted the Grange, and it was good. Well, it was a base model BMW good. Highly reliable, well put together and full of badge value, but hardly worth the money good. Drive the equivalent Toyota and you’ll wonder if the money was really worth it for that badge.

The lesson learnt is especially while there is still massive over abundance of good fruit, price doesn’t always mean you’re getting the best. Your pallette is the only thing that can tell you that. Failing that, if you learn a bit about wine, you can find bloody good bargains everywhere, even 40 year old ones!

So next time someone tries to impress you with their Grange collection, point and laugh and tell them you know someone that had a 40 year old St Henri for $1. And he couldn’t care less that it didn’t have a label on it! It’s for enjoying with friends, not to big note yourself to mates! And that’s why big dollar wines will never be worthy of their price tag. They’re just trying to turn wine into the next big dollar watch or Louis Vitton handbag.

N.B. Penfolds reckon the only difference between the St Henri and the Grange Hermitage back in day, was the former was barrelled in old oak, and the later in the new.

What to say about Lower House/Upper House? It’s tres chic Melbourne dining for the CBD-ophile. All the typical touches exist, the wine FOLDER (not list) yet cheeky touches like the daily menu served on cardboard cut out of wine boxes. How’s the food? Well good but typically on par. But the wine tasting! Well sir, so long as you’ve come on a Monday night after work, you’re in the right place.

“Ben Knows Wine” is Ben Edwards sharing his knowledge and plonk for those with a keen ear and nose.  Being quite the sommelier (president of the Australian Association thereof in fact), each week you’re assured of tasting something very special. I went tonight (15/05/06) and they featured the Blanck collection of wines from Alsace (pronounced Al-sass) France.

Also in tow was Fred form Blank wines and they featured some fine aromatics: Pinot Gris, Gewurztraminer, Rieslings and a Pinot Blanc. All came with tasting notes and expert winemaker commentary as they gracefully make their way around the tables. It has to be said that the last two aromatics were Grand Cru and Lieux Dits (designations of France’s most prestigious winemaking areas).

If nothing else, the night really taught you about the essence of good aromatic wines. So next time you’re drinking a dinkum Aussie Pinot Gris, or even a French one, you now have a respectable benchmark on which to judge it. Because chances are, you won’t often come across wine as great as what Ben is privy to. Thank god he’s willing to share in the experience.

Suffice it to say, this is for the wine lover interested in the journey and not the destination. Every week apparently, there’s something different and new on offer. Lower House would hold about 70 people for tasting so best to get there at 5.30 when the festivities begin. After your tasting, you can select dinner from the regular menu, or a charcuterie platter, or make your jolly way home. Ben Knows Wine is on indefinitely, but it’s definitely not to be missed.

For more info, have a look at this Fed Square web page.

What not to get
Plenty of Sauv Blancs and Cab Sauvs, although nothing that really stands out, except for the pricey Wynns numbers. All Chardonnay, Merlot and Shiraz here.

What to get
Yalumba was probably the biggest surprise. They had this cracking Menzies Merlot that has asparagus and oysters on the nose! A bit freaky and a bit of a punt by the winemaker, but a treat to the palette. Infact the whole Menzies range was a highlight. Mellow Cab Sauvs with not enough backdone, nonetheless sublime. At least a dozen wines on tasting too.

Perhaps the best surprise was the Hollick Vineyard. Their Upstairs at Hollick restaurant was fantastic, so we had a spot of lunch there, overlooking the vines and the oak barrels in the cellar. Oh and celiacs (freaks that are allergic to wheat) and vegos are catered for. Anyway, they had some stellar whites. Most notably the Reserve Chardonnay is exceptional. This is a very lightly wooded Chardonnay, so it’s medium bodied and just damn well enjoyable. It takes a lot for me to get into Chardonnay, so this is the new precedent.

Sweet wine lovers, the Hollick Nectar is exactly that. Quite a remarkable sweet wine that will only get more like honey with age, but is sublime right now. Their Pinor Noir reminded me a little of the Prince Albery Pinot from Geelong. For those who came in late, that’s a tall order. Again mellow cab sauvs and a very meaty, nutmeg, chocolatey shiraz which was a little pricey at $37.50.

Zema Estates have a little range but a big reputation. Very much the family business and of the highest standard, Zema’s six wines are worth a look. The 2001 Cluney blend was consumed that night with a lamb pasta and was quite the shiznit! it should retail for around $20 and would go pretty much with any pasta or casserole quite nicely as the rest of the table would attest.

And last but not least, how could you go to Coonawarra without going to Wynns Coonawarra Estate? Well mostly their range was meh in a nutshell. It was surprising to find that they spent most of their time recommending other people’s wines! They did have the John Riddoch range on tasting though. So given that we’d come all this way, we bought the John Riddock Cab Sauv. Holy crap that was expensive.

A little more about Robe
Robe is an awesome little spot with its own lake and beach. Everything is made out of limestone and the weather is always right for drinking. Plenty of holiday homes so no need for a cramped hotel. It definitely gives you the impression of an up and coming trendy area.

It’s close to Kingston, with some of the best crayfish i’ve ever had and about 80 minutes from Coonawarra. Next time we’ll be spending a lot more time than a weekend there, that’s for sure. Anyway have a look at some of the links in this article and get into it!